Stories of Old

I told the stories of my past to anyone that would listen, eager to be seen and known. Now, I see my story of today, and still tell stories of old, but in a new way of reflection. The blame and victimhood have melted away and what is left is perspective, maturity, and grace. My past can't come up and snatch my present unless I invite him in and say, "Here, Past, have Present. Do what you will." For Past will surely squelch Present, for he is alone in the space of time. When I invite him to the table of my mind, to share and be heard, he is so insightful - the perspective is glorious. He is enveloped in a Spirt of Hope and Forgiveness. Past must have direction, however. He cannot maneuver this alone and needs my Spirit as a guide.

Blessings!

If I Care

(Insert hip jerk and sarcastic undertones)

"It is risky to care - I may be disappointed."

It is risky to care. Caring is an investment - a vulnerability that requires more of myself and a commitment to a higher calling. This requires me to let the world in. I could be hurt by disappointments or pain, but living in fear is no better. Being cynical, and self-protective only leaves me feeling alone and tired. Taking the step to invest in others and give freely takes courage and tenacity, because it never gets easy.

We need people to care.

I went to my scripture reading for the day during my quiet time this morning. This has been a long journey for me (that is, reading scripture deliberately, daily). I turned away from the church and anything that had to do with Jesus for many years. We began attending a sweet church almost two years ago (this is an entire blog post in itself) and I have slowly been drawn back in by this man that served the world. Last Lent, instead of giving something up, a friend of mine and I decided to pick up a practice. Mine was reading scripture. I continued  beyond Easter, as I was seeing God really speak to me through the words of the Bible and knew the teaching was not over.

OK, so now that that's out of the way. Today as I listened (Pray As You Go) to John 3:13-17, I heard the same message from the quote I just listed above. Care. The words of this verse are not unfamiliar to me, but the assimilation of the text in my heart today was (hear what the Spirit is saying). John 3:16 was one of our first memory verses in my Southern Baptist upbringing. The focus when I was young was on this promise not to perish (if you made the right choice) and how we should appreciate this thing that has been given because we are sinners (=bad) and God decided to fix what we screwed up (=we suck). (I am trying to convey the negative imagery I had around this verse as a child, and it does not seem to be coming through.) Nonetheless, as I heard it this morning, I heard the message of love.

The leader of the message today mentioned how easy it is to hate the world. For me, this brought me back to how challenging it is to care about the world. Why should I invest myself when no one else is and they are out for themselves. If I don't go out for myself, no one will. This mindset is how our world sort-of works, until someone makes a different choice. This morning, my choice was to look for something around me that shows me the miracles of this life. It starts small - the little chickadees eating at our bird feeder in the early morning sunlight, dew adorns the ground, chirping of the cardinals linger in the air. There! I just took a whole 30 seconds to acknowledge something beautiful.

Throughout the day today, I believe this post has been revealing itself to me. I have had opportunities to see how I can care in my own life and I want to share these with you.

How to Care:

* Connect 

We must first connect with ourselves and our God. We must search within ourselves to find the truth of what's alive in us in that moment and acknowledge our own needs and what we are being called to do. This takes vulnerability and honesty with ourselves and our God. Admitting the fear or anger is the first step to moving past it.

* Attune

This is a very musical word. I hear 'tune' and immediately think of some sort of instrument. We are instruments. To truly care and be in this world without condemning it, we must bring harmony by connecting our needs with the needs of others. This takes the practice of connecting to the needs of others.

* Respond

Today in yoga, I did a practice surrounding the choice to respond rather than react. The teacher mentioned that reactivity is our instinct - the part of ourselves that seek to survive. This is our fight-or-flight and our instinct to shut down when we are scared or hurting - the part of ourselves that freaks out and saves us from being hit by a car. This is a vital part of life when it comes to said car incidents, but in most human relationships, it can be a dangerous ally.

Responding is our intuition. It's that part within us that is connected to our higher thinking (that piece that, for me, is my pipeline from God) and acting from that place.

* Empathize

We must see the humanity in ourselves and other people. This may mean simply listening. To listen empathically, without judgements, to the hearts of people, while acknowledging what is alive in us, is how we truly care and bring love and light into this world.

Blessings on the Journey!

Obstacles to Success

This morning, I have been writing, reading, meditating and pondering faith. This is a big word, and it has a tendency to ignite strong reactions in people. Maybe old messages about this word spring to mind. Or possibly, one has the tender knowing that this is something they foster in their life. The truth for me is that this word has often sprung me into reaction. This word has never sat well with me - all the more reason to now write about it.

The greatest obstacle to faith is fear. When I am fearful that I won't be provided for or that my wildest dreams won't come true if I simply do the next right thing or wait on God, faith is a challenging feat. As I grow spiritually, I am more aware of the implications of faith.

* Faith is not Laziness. 
I must continue showing up, daily to my journal, my mat, and my Self. God meets me in these places.

* Faith is not Ignorance.
I am fully aware of what my life-circumstances are telling me. HA! Not really!!! Sometimes I am aware, and sometimes I am stubborn and don't want to see what all the messages around me are saying. When I am not present to these truths, I sit in them (sometimes squirming) and wait for more to be reveals.

* Faith is not a Light Switch. 
I can't just turn on my faith and leave it, hoping it will remain present. I must actively choose to be aware of the position of that light. I imagine it's like having a house full of toddlers, into shutting off all the lights. I must go turn the light back on, again and again, or I will be in the dark.

* Faith is a Mystery. 
So what is faith to me? It is a mystery. I can't explain how or why it works. It's choosing to believe that something out there (namely, God) has a plan in this world and my life is a part of it. I cannot always have a bird's-eye view of the world and my place in it, so faith is trusting that a Power greater than my self has that perspective and I am included in it. It's choosing to believe that I am being guided and that when I keep my eyes, ears, and heart open, anything and anyone can be a beacon to my next stepping stone. Faith is a choice - a choice to believe.

Community Grace

How does one make it through each day, when the shit has hit the fan, you don't think you can go on (or let alone breathe), and life is still coming at you strong? I have no idea!

Really, though, making it through the day-to-day, real-life, get-up-and-still-make-your-kids-breakfast when you are dealing with grief and pain is full of anomalies. As the raging water roars inside of you, how can you keep moving forward? There are choices, no doubt. You can shut down. You can plow through and pretend nothing is going on. You can cry throughout your day, reach out for help, ask for help, and do life at 50% for a while. You can make lots of mistakes, and, in the end, end up seeing yourself more fully than you ever have before.

Typically, when I was struggling with something, I would plow through my day, continuing with the to-dos of my life and not slow down until I was thrown down to the ground because I couldn't handle it anymore. Then, I would, most likely, talk to the better part of a pack of women throughout my week, never really connecting to any one, then still feel empty and alone inside. This was a way to keep people at a distance, but my conversing with others somehow convinced me that I was sharing and being honest. 

I had a very important person in my life help me to see that sharing all the "dirty laundry" of my life with everyone around me might not be the most beneficial thing for all involved. So, I quit talking. OK, if you know me, I never stop talking all together, but I quit talking about me and my life. I lived in my journal and on my yoga mat. This was a beautiful place for me to reside for a time, with the internal nature and deep connection to my God that I really needed to foster. After a time, however, it was time to go out again, but I was afraid. I was afraid I would go back to only partly sharing with a myriad of people, only to be found alone and still lost. I prayed for guidance and decided on a handful of people that I have been doing life with for quite some time. I felt safety and comfort in this, and, still, some terror. I was about to truly be seen and know for who I am, 100%! I didn't put all my eggs in one basket and I wasn't going to half-ass this thing either. I was ready.

To walk through grief with a yoga mat and journal in tow, along with a Higher Power that knows and loves me without conditions (that's grace, by the way), is a beautiful thing. It is also impossible to sustain forever. God gave us parts of him/her/itself with skin on and we are called to use this gift - to receive it and say THANK YOU. Teachers appear all around us, and the people that are in our lives are here for very distinct and powerful reasons. I needed to use my God-skinned-clan as I grew. I need to do this still!

The grace in all this is being surrounded by a love of a power greater than myself that flows in an around me through the people around me and all of my experiences. I can't possibly know what all this is for, but I can choose to believe that I am right where I am supposed to be and that each day I am growing more deeply aware of myself, my God, and my fellows. This is building community. This is growing together. This is how we foster love, truth, and grace in the world!

Slow down.
Choose to believe.
Ask for help.
Sit in the discomfort.
Reach out.
Sit in it a little more.
Journal.
Yoga.
Sit in it more.
Allow the Holy Spirit to heal all that needs healing, that you may release all that is no longer needed in you life.

Blessings on the Journey!

Put It Out There

In this world driven by Facebook, Blogs, Pinterest, Twitter, and other social media it is so easy to wrap ones self worth up into what other people think. (OK, I had a problem with this long before these came to pass, but that's another post!) How many Likes you get on something, somehow deems it worthy. How many Page Views, give a sense that people care. Someone Pins your post and you're cool. You get Tweeted and all of a sudden your words matter. It is a very confusing world. Texts are misconstrued. Email cannot show emotion. Emojicons sometimes just don't have the right face or image to depict what you're feeling. And... we all still try our best to use these communication tools in our fast paced world.

The balance of it can be challenging. I have seen friends leave certain social media because of the ability it has to take over their life (I, too, have left). It is a challenge to not get wrapped up in what people do or do not say, repost, like or even acknowledge what I contribute through these medium. There is this false sense of connection between people. I can know many details of your life, but not know what they all really mean to you. I can attempt to decipher your thinking and feeling, how things are going in your life, and how your marriage and kids really are, but I will invariably be wrong. These are simply assumptions based on perceptions. I cannot know what is really going on for someone unless I ask. I can guess, and I can be wrong.

The false sense of connection that is caused my the input of all the information we receive, faces we see and posts we read is a sad reality of our world. I struggle to not want to leave all of them all together. Then, I speak to one person that read something I wrote or I see updates sent out to entire groups of friends and family on a child that was severely injured and my heart begins to see the good in social media. I find some great math resource and new ideas to help one of my kids, or I read a blog about a mom struggling with similar things as I am, and I feel comfort - I am not so alone.

I believe the danger is when I allow the vast exposure to other people and information to be my only source of connection. It is dangerous if I convince myself, "I have seen my friends, because I am online!" Face-to-face or (when not possible) over-the-phone connections cannot be replaced with exclusive online formats. I need these real-life reminders that I am not alone, and that people can hear me. I need to see and know my people, and be seen and known in return. Sometimes it is easier to allow myself to be seen through these outlets, and I have to learn to be vulnerable enough to, also, allow people to see me in life outside the computer, smartphone or hand-held device.

Blessings on the Journey!

Do This, Not That!

I have always been drawn to the books (and now, apparently, games and website) offering options for eating or grocery shopping. I have one that goes through various products in the grocery store and offers suggestions for the "best" option while shopping. It is a much gentler approach to eating, and I also need that sort of support in actions.

I have been working with herbs, yoga and (now) acupuncture to help with a sweet little diagnosis of PMDD. In short, what this means is major PMS. My lows were so extreme I would not want to get out of bed or would want to go to sleep around 8 PM at night. My highs (ha, that sounds funny when referring to anger) were insane. I was reacting all over the place, cursing and yelling - raging. These emotional points would only last a few days, and then I'd go back to my somewhat-normal self. It was very confusing for my body (and my family). I sought help and began supplementing some herbs that helped dramatically with the depression-type drops. OK, it wasn't all gone, but I could get some space between my feelings and now it's usually one night of "woe is me," and I simply observe the feelings and acknowledge that my hormones are dictating that, and go to bed early.

The yoga has helped, as well, with the physical issues of cramping and major pain. I practice very specific practices for the female cycle and have found great relief and ease.

The last part, is not really something anyone wants to talk about. Anger and rage are not pretty. The reactivity that I was (and am still) struggling with would come at any moment and without warning. There was (is) no gradual build and... an explosion; it just happens. When I began acupuncture, I began to see some new shifts and felt grateful. I am okay with an occasional outburst, but having multiples a day, days before my cycle is to start, is not ideal for me. I do not want to believe the lies I was taught in my teens that PMS is just a time when your crabby and mean, and that cramps and pain are normal. I have seen the power and beauty of the female cycle and know it does not have to be a miserable anticipation every month - it is a beautiful opportunity as a woman.

Yesterday, I had such a day that I am not thrilled with. We are only days into our new homeschool year and we have quite a bit going on. We have some pretty big transitions and big feelings around our house. Ad slammed a door (for the second time this week) that had a small board over the top (for placement later) and it fell to the ground with a loud thwack! I was helping Cam with some math (which is already a challenge for all involved). I spun around and yell a profanity and her name, with exclamation! She ran off to her room and hid in the crack between her bed and wall. Strike One.

Later, we were taking our bikes out to meet friends to ride. Cam was complaining that her back wheel was not turning. I was standing perplexed in the driveway, trying to figure out why it was doing this. All the while, she is talking on and on about what she thinks is wrong with it, trying to figure it out. "There's buildup on the tire. There's buildup on the chain. Maybe it's this..." I got so frustrated that I spun around and yelled, "Just shut up!" Strike Two.

So this is a big post for me to write. I do not want to world to know that I speak to my children like this. I know I am not a perfect mom, but I want you all to think I am pretty darn close. That being said, I also want to be a better mom. I want to grow and acknowledge my struggles. I want to work past my hormones (that all medical professionals tell me are within normal range). I see this is something I am actively working on and I  accept that I am human and will never be perfect (ok, maybe I don't fully accept that yet, but the Universe keeps reminding me, so maybe I'll learn soon).

This morning, in my quiet time (which is imperative for me every morning!), I decided to write a Do This, Not That for each of these instances, so that next time (because someone will slam a door again and bikes will have issues again) I have another phrase to go to. Here is what I came up with:

For Ad: "Whoa! That scared me!" and proceed to come to the hall to address why she is so angry. - acknowledge my feeling of shock.

For Cam: (internal) *Deep breath* I really want to help fix this bike and need some quiet to think about what is going on. 
To her: "I'm guessing you're really nervous about your back wheel not turning on your bike and you'd really like it to work properly so you can go ride with your friends. Is that right?" *wait* If I am correct say, "I really want to help fix this issue. Would you be willing to give me a few minutes with your bike so I can explore this alone?" - empathize with myself FIRT, then go to empathy for her.

Now, I get to make amends to my kids for how I reacted. When I do this, it helps me be accountable to the way I want to act, rather than justifying actions I do not want in my life.

Do you have some examples of Do This, Not That in your life? How have these worked out for you?

Blessings!

Storm Clouds

The storm clouds of your life swell and loom aimlessly over your head. You look up, wondering when the rain is just going to drown you. These storms seem to never stop. A drop touches your face and you think this might be the storm that kills me - it just might be the one that I decide I am through. Then the drops continue to come, harder and harder on your skin. This must be it. It's never been like this before. You close your eyes and look down, with the tears of the pain falling along side the rain. You feel defeated and alone - scared and unsure. The crescendo of the story comes and the sky is now dark and gray. Your eyes are still closed and you cry out. You cry out to something, anything that might be able to save you from this storm - from the storm within your heart. A small voice deep within, with a seemly loving smile, speaks to you and says, "Open your eyes." Your fear looms and you don't think opening your eyes will help anything. How could seeing it make it any better. "Listen." You look up, open your eyes, and see. You really see. The storm around you is there: it's dark, it's terrifying. You look up and see that there is a hue of pink to the clouds and you begin to surrender. The tears flow and an openness in your chest takes your breath away. You can breathe, seemingly for the first time. You spread your arms and really feel the rain on your skin. You look to the sky. Your face is pelted with rain drops. You close your eyes, but this time not in fear but in total grace and surrender. You feel the energy radiate all over your body. The storm is over. The clouds float away and you are changed. You are stronger and more raw. You are the Real you were meant to be. The storm did not kill you - it made you stronger. It made you You.

A Calling

Messages in my midst these last few weeks continue to call me back to writing. I have written about this before - my desire to write, my love for it, the words in my heart, and the lack of time to do so. We watched a movie with some friends yesterday and the message of using how powerful our words are came up. We have the power to break the hardened hearts of others simply by speaking our truth. Last night I heard someone say of themselves, "You have something to say and it's worth saying." Words heard; confirmation received.

In the last few months, I have heard stories of (mostly) women and their daily struggles. From marriage to money, kids to school, house cleaning to illness, accidents to frustrations, internal battles to external triumphs, bugs to home repairs. Not everything I hear is on the down-side, and, yet, so often that is where our focus goes in conversation. Our hearts cry out, but it's often after the fact. We either want it wrapped in a pretty little, stained package or we cannot possibly imagine reaching out in our despair. Please know, there is no judgement in these statements! I am this way, too! I have such a hard time reaching out - there is too much going on in the crisis to possibly think about reaching out.

This is why I am writing today. Not to say, "This is how you reach out when the shit hits the fan!" but to let you know that we are all here amidst the fan splattering said shit everywhere. If in the back of any one person's mind they remember this post or something else I have written or said and think, "I am not alone," I am fulfilling my purpose. God speaks through each of us. We each have the power to break the walls of isolation and the pain of other's hearts by simply speaking our truth. The vulnerable places of reality enhance the lives of the people around us. When we talk about our struggles, speak our pain, and open our hearts to be seen, we ignite that Spirit in others.    

"God alone knows the secret plans

Of the things he will do for the world

Using my hand."

Toyohiko Kagawa

Blessings on the Journey!

Tortoise and the Hare

I know this story: slow and stead wins the race when the cocky and arrogant hare declares he can beat the slow tortoise. I am that hare. I have the tendency to want to race through my life, missing those slow moments, and not even knowing what rest and rejuvenation look like until I am so exhausted that I hit the ground hard, aware that my way isn't working.

Let's abandon the rest of this story and stick with the ideology of fast versus slow. I have the beautiful characteristic of impatience. I struggle with process and sitting with things. I want the answer now so I can be off to the next thing. This is something I am not always proud of. I also have a great struggle with judgement. I want to keep myself as safe as possible as I zoom through my life, and I want to avoid any and all people, places and things that may slow my down or cause me discomfort. Well, there! I was really honest and vulnerable. Now what? I can say all this, and it's all well and good, but how do I continue on with my life?

Today I realized that my focus has to start staying on things. I often zip through something, only to discover, months or years later, that that "thing" is still haunting me or holding me back. So I get the opportunity to really sit with it (and I have learned not to fret about missing things because, sure enough, they WILL come back). This week it has been with my body.

I have been looking for help for months with some chronic pain issues, potential hormone imbalances, and skin irritations that will not seem to heal or leave (UGH!). The first two are not so bad... no one really knows they are going on. The skin thing people can see and I am not feeling so hot about the exposure of these things on my face. That being said, I finally made my way to someone that I believe will truly help me. I felt hopeful, excited, and invigorated when I left my first appointment. I also left with some pretty high expectations about what my body would do with all the new relief.

I think I expected to wake up the next morning, still holding all the freedom and hope, have a clear face, and finally "be ready" to get back to my life. Well, my skin was actually WORSE and I lost my hope (momentarily). I talked it out with a friend and found some peace and now am left with the same space I have been before: Now what?

Patience and trust are things that I hear about all the time. We were exploring baptism with our children yesterday at our church and were going through the lines of what the actual baptismal ceremony entails. The line that struck my most was, "Do you put your whole trust in his grace and love?" In short, "Can I trust the process?" The slow and steady unfolding of my life is how I get to the end of this race. I can take it one step at a time and know that in the end, I will make it.

Blessings on the Journey!

Receive

As I have written before, coming back to "the church" has been somewhat of an elusive journey. I knew I felt called to be back in a community of people seeking spirituality, but Jesus (the God incarnation of my youth) was a far fetch. I examined Toltec and Native American spirituality, Buddhism, Islam, Yoga alone as a spiritual practice (and I mean all limbs), and nothing at all. I have called God Lord, Father, Spirit, Great Spirit, Light, Light and Love, and Friend. Being back IN the church for over a year now, I can still feel this inkling of doubt and fear. What if I'm found out? What if they learn that I DON'T believe the same as they do?

Then, comes the magic of Jesus for me. Even saying his name ignites a strange fear, yet power, for me. I hear the teachings of Jesus and sense a calm calling to love others, serve the world, and follow God's gentle voice in my heart. I can handle all that (not that it's easy!). The part that leaves me feeling trapped are all the messages within me that proclaim this all means something else. That this all means I am subscribing to a life that I am not called to.

In meditation a few months back the world "receive" came into my world. It was not a slight shift, it was a resounding clarification of my purpose around God and Jesus and all this confusion. All I am called to do is receive. Receive my life - without judgement (the "good" and the "bad). Receive the promise. Receive the love of God.

Worthiness has always eluded me. It was something I thought I had to work for. I became really go at doing. I thought this was an earned thing that only those that worked really hard, mastered major skills, and excelled beyond their previous steps (or the thoughts of others) to become worthy to exist. I lived this roll out really well. So when this seemingly simple concept of receiving entered my realm, I felt baffled. I couldn't see how something so simple could become my guide post.

Even writing all that brings up thoughts in me. What if they don't understand what I mean? What if they think I have become complacent or lazy? What if what I write isn't really true? All these are valid thoughts. What if, right? What if what I have been led to is simply the message for me today? To receive? There is still a great deal of personal responsibility in this. I must wake up daily, take time with God, pray, meditate, move my body and follow my heart. The receiving part forces me to allow the love of the Universe to be my guide. This includes servitude, forgiveness (which I need to write about the profound awareness I've been having about THIS concept), calm, nonviolence, self-belief, and making the choice everyday to trust.

I do not sense I have any more answers than I did before. The simplicity of receiving is embodied in communion, a practice I refused for almost ten years because of what it might mean. We come to the front, kneel before God, outstretch our hands, and simply receive what is placed in them. The meaning, transformation, and message are only for us. This is the most personal practice of the rituals of our faith. There is so much wrapped into the word "Christian," and I intend to continue exploring this. What it means for me, today, is that that I am being called to receive something so precious, loving, and tailored just for me each day of my life. I make the choice to choose it daily (I even have  little string around my wrist to remind me :)). Receive.