in honor of mother's day... our birth story

It being Mother’s Day, it only seemed fitting to actually write our birth story. It seems to be a little late, but it is still as impressive for me today as it was 365 days ago. To tell our story, I mean really tell the whole story, would take too much time, so for time’s sake I will leave out some of the less needed details, but it does require me go back a few years.

December 7, 2005, my husband and I entered Williamson Medical Center after being monitored in the office of our OB for more than an hour for overnight observation because there was the possibility of concern for our unborn daughter, Camden. I was approximately 38 weeks. As I look back, I can see that office hours were about to come to a close and they wanted to monitor me just a little longer, so admitting me to the hospital (after simply thinking I was leaking fluid and really just being impatient with the whole process of being pregnant). I could not sleep. I did not feel one pressure wave (or as some would call, contraction). Part of me still wished I had just checked myself out AMA. Nonetheless, we stayed. A sleeping pill was administered and the night of waking to loud siren-like noises and people surrounding me began. By 5 AM – after an attempt at inductions with a slow pitocin drip, with no physical response - I was told I had no choice but to have a cesarean or our daughter could die. Camden’s heart rate had dropped below 80 for more than 5 minutes on two separate occasions. We were terrified – something I feel no parents should even feel when they are awaiting the birth of their child. Other feelings like elation, excitement, maybe a little fear for the unknown, or an uneasiness, maybe, but not terror! Although I can attribute a great deal of our situation to lack of knowledge and self-confidence about asserting my needs and wants, I do feel the medical practice I was a part of did not give me the information I needed – maybe they did not know it; maybe they chose not to disclose it for legal reasons. Who knows?! I do have to commend our OB, for she did stay at the hospital all night and checked on us periodically, and that is something of note for me to be grateful for today.

At 5:45 AM, our daughter was born by cesarean – 8 pounds, 19 inches. I got to see our daughter for a moment before they took her off to clean her up. There was something rather disheartening having just had a baby taken from my body, which had been there for months, and then not see her for another hour or so. My husband did get to be with her, which was encouraging. I was in recovery and they brought her in. Beautiful, precious, amazing, yet something in me felt like a failure. My dreams for the natural, drug-free birth had ended in a C-section. I struggled to nurse. When my milk did finally come in days later, I was a milk factory and did not know how to not drown our daughter when she nursed. I stopped nursing soon after. Only years later would I truly heal from all this.

We found out we were pregnant August 2008. I knew this time would be different – not only because I was bound and determined to have a different birth, but because I was also more assertive and confident. We chose to use the Vanderbilt Nurse Midwives. We chose to take a Hypnobabies course through 9 Months and Beyond. We got a Doula. I saw a lactation consultant early on, as I was lactating at 20 weeks. We had a plan. I was sure we would not lose our voice again. I exercised. I did not gain as much weight as I had in the previous birth. I did my Hypnobabies homework and really went deep into myself to say things like, “I’m going to have an easy, fast and comfortable birthing” over and over.

I knew it would be different. I knew it would be the birth I so deeply longed for. We had a plan at home; we had a plan for the hospital. Although both were rather extensive, we were ready to be flexible as needed. Our birthing plan was solid and I was ready to advocate for all that we wanted. We informed our midwife and our Doula. We declined just about everything that was optional. We planned to room-in, nurse only, decline any shots or eye goop, and refused bathing. We wanted to be home in 24 hours. The one thing I could not argue on was the Hep Loc, since we were a VBAC family. That was something I did not want, but it was a requirement for the hospital. I did make requests about it though – that it be in my arm instead of hand. Everything was discussed – we asked lots of questions.

Our due date: May 1, 2009. May 1 – 40 weeks – barely 1 cm – no effacement. There was assurance that I could go to 42 weeks before we had to schedule an induction. I was not afraid, although a little frustrated, as I was ready to not be pregnant anymore. The evening of May 7, pressure waves began, consistently. May 8 – 41 weeks – barely 1 cm – no effacement. I had a rigorous vaginal exam to possible help move things a long. We were to schedule an ultrasound for the following Monday, but the offices were closed. I was to call Monday morning.

Pressure waves picked up increasingly throughout the night and on into May 9. By midnight the following evening, my pressure waves were 2 minutes a part, lasting 1 minute. Our Doula had been with us throughout the evening. We were sure it must be time. We headed to the ER. Our midwife was on-call, which I was really excited about. She told me I was still barely 1 cm, but was 100% effaced. Finally, some news that reassured me all these waves of discomfort were helping the process. By 3 AM, she sent us home to sleep, as I had not in days. She gave me a sleeping pill, and I fell asleep on the way home and slept until 7 AM. The plan was for everyone to go home to sleep and meet back at the hospital at 10:30 AM. I took a bath upon waking, and was assured we would have a baby either today or tomorrow. It just happened to be Mother’s Day. Pressure waves were breath taking, to say the least. After kissing our eldest and assuring her we would see her very soon, we headed in to the hospital a little past 9:30 AM. We were in a room, checked in and monitored by 10:30 AM. 6 cm – 100% effacement.

“I’m going to have an easy, fast and comfortable birthing.”

The midwife on call was not familiar with us and had another patient right next door delivering (who happened to be in our Hypnobabies class). It was a little crazy. It was forgotten that I had a cesarean previously, so no Hep Loc was put in. I was monitored for 30 minutes and told I could walk around or do whatever I needed to prepare.
11 AM – I did not want to walk anywhere at that point. I had declined the wheel chair both times into the hospital, so I had more than enough walking.
11:25 AM - I felt like I was ready to push. Not sure when my water broke, just knew it felt really intense. The nurses told me to wait, as I must only still be 6 cm. No way I could have progressed that quickly, right? Well, I had. The midwife was finally able to make it back to us and realized I was a VBAC. The nurse was trying to put in an IV line as I was pushing. I very politely, yet assertively, asked the nurse to stop trying to poke me. As she tried to tell me how to push or what to do, our midwife said, “She’s doing fine on her own.” The Hep Loc never made it in my arm or hand.
I pushed for 25 minutes, without the aid of any foreign object. I listened to my body. I had the love and support of my amazing husband and our Doula. I was present to myself. 11:45 AM – Our daughter was born - 8 pounds, 3 ounces – 20.25 inches. I had an easy, fast and comfortable (for the most part) birthing! I nursed immediately. Adelicia was with us for more than three hours before she was taken to another room. We roomed in. We had everything we longed for. I was home by 1 PM the following day. My husband said, “You amaze me. You are a champ!” We were all inspired!

I’m not sure why I had a successful VBAC. Maybe it was because I was so diligent about not having a c-section again. Maybe it was because I planned really well. Maybe it was because I was informed beyond belief. Maybe it was because I had a Doula. Maybe it was because I was so adamant about doing my Hypnobabies homework. Maybe. I really do not know why it worked out the way it did. Maybe... Just maybe, it’s because this is the way we were INTENDED to give birth! Our bodies can do this, and did this long before cesareans were “discovered.” I am grateful for both our births. Both brought us a beautiful daughter – both brought me a part of my Self that I would not have had otherwise. Happy Mother’s Day, 2010!

500

most that read this blog are in Nashville, so they know just how terrible it is here. I do not feel like I'm being overly dramatic when I say that. Simply driving down the streets I live by, that were not the worst of the affected areas here, was heart breaking. everyone's possessions are lining the road in piles as high as a car. I have not ventured out to the more damaged places, as people with children are not welcome, but I was out in Bellevue Monday getting my sister, nephew and their dog. I still cannot believe all this is happening. what shocked me even more was the inability of the national news to even notice.

I am not one to watch news much. mostly because I cannot stand the way the media portrays things - they stay focused far too long on things that are long over, simply for their "effect," or leaving our the positive stories all together. I choose not to fill my mind with depressing stories, however I did stay glued, off and on, to the WSMV this weekend. watching our dear city go under water was like watching a horrible movie. It was so close. In all this, too, I was unable to reach my mother and sister consistently. It was heart-wrecking!

I could continue writing all about that which has already been written, but what would that do? I want to help. I want to help SO much, but I have two small children with me full time. I cannot head out to sandbag areas or even really clean up - as I cannot really bend down much to help. I can make a small monetary donation, but want to do more. I KNOW the mamas in this community want to help. this entry is not to inspire, but to BE INSPIRED. let's ban together and help Nashville rebuild itself. how can we, as mamas and fellow Nashvillians that may not be able to do the more manual labor, help.

email me your suggestions and we can work together. I know this weekend was planned to be the Mother's Day Peace Parade. What do I want for Mother's Day? to be able to help restore our city - to build community and love - to flourish positive energy and healing, even if the national media never takes a second look!

being away

it seems that going out of town really leaves me in a space of dis-order. not just the catch-up with the laundry, or cleaning the house from being gone, or even cleaning out food from the fridge that has subsequently gone bad. there's something more to it. maybe it's the lack of sleep with the two kiddos not feeling quite at home. maybe it's not having my own bed or the clothes I may feel so inclined to wear. maybe it's being around a new set of people that are not in my core nucleus of family any more. I am not sure. what I do know is, that when I leave town, I come home and feel more grateful for that which I have and want to cling to that. but do I really need to leave to appreciate that which is before me each day?

last wednesday through sunday my sister, two daughters and self headed to north west arkansas to visit Piepee and Daddy Don. this place, where I spent so much of my childhood, has changed so much. some overgrowth, yes, but mostly a change in feel since I was there as a child. maybe it's the looming cancer or simply age that have changed this sacred place, but it really doesn't matter, I have come to believe, as it is what it is now and cannot go back, less in my Soul's experience. it was pretty amazing to see our youngest pulling on the same bedspread I pulled and climbed all over as a child. or to see our oldest playing with the raggedy ann doll that my grandmother brought to and from her library when I was small. it was a blessing to feel that carpet under my feet, to hear the sound of their front door, and to lay on my back and slide down the stairs (although it doesn't take as long now as it did then).

the blessings of this trip far outweighed those moments of discomfort and sadness. being there changed me and this place for me. seeing this world through "adult" eyes, and a sense of maturity really transformed my being. I learned how much I have grown over these years of not being there. the dynamics are different now. I have a voice, that I often lacked as a child and I got to see my own children use theirs in a way I never felt free to do as a little one in this space. I no longer fear that which I am around them. I do not think I need to change my Self to accommodate their Selves. that is transformation!

so grateful!

blessings

productivity at it's best

many times, I have the tendency to place multiple things (okay, more than a reasonable amount of things) onto our "weekend to-do list." I get a great deal complete in the week, but save the larger things for the weekend when I have the hubby home to help balance it all. this weekend was much like all the rest - and there were so many things I wanted to attend yesterday, it being Earth Day and multiple walks were going on! our day was beautiful and we completed the tasks we needed to and most of the ones we want to as well. I took the day as it came... one moment at a time, allowing for time to rest, drink water, and play.

hubby took our beloved Hilander in for all the wonderful recall work it needed, before we head out on a road trip this week while the girls and I began our day with Walk A Mile in My Shoes. This was designed to give walkers an opportunity to see the road that the homeless in Nashville walk each day. We walked as a part of Team Park Center. My sister has worked there for quite a while with the homeless, and we do all we can to be a part of the amazing work they are doing there. Just before the walk began, I saw a man walking towards us and realized it was my hubby. He had run from Broadway to LP field to meet us for the walk. that was a moment I was really excited about - I think I blushed I was so happy to see him. Our younger napped the entire walk; our older walked, danced, sang, jumped, played, skidded knees, and won some BBQ sauce!

As we walked, we stood beside many of the homeless in Nashville, we learned more about Tent City, and helped raise awareness about a growing need in our city.

Besides being a part of this walk, I felt more apart and fell more in love with Nashville as a whole. Walking down by Cumberland River, seeing many faces, some new - some remembered, I felt more apart of this city and more connected - something I have longed for.

After we finished the walk, we headed down for some lunch. The car was taken care of, we had walked, and we were all starving. Calypso was our stop - one of our favorites! They did not open until 11:30 AM, and considering we were finished with our walk by 10:30 AM, we were a little early, so we headed over the check out the Earth Day festival for a bit. we arrived just at the start, but walked around to see a few of the booths then headed back to lunch.

I love the awareness that the Earth Day festival brings to caring for the Earth, but some times it seems it's more about commercialism than anything else. I know most of the companies are out there to make a difference, but when people are taking down email address and trying to sell scented candles, my cynicism comes up. for me, caring for the Earth is not about buy more, but about buying less and doing more to be aware of the power of your purchases, where things come from and go when they are not in your possession and doing ones best to reduce your carbon footprint. commercialism can infiltrate even the grandest of causes! nonetheless, I know it's more good than harm and I can choose to walk away from the pieces that are of no value in my life, so I do!

Once we finished lunch, the girls and I headed to the Herb Society's Plant and Herb Fair at the Fair Grounds and hubby headed home to finish mowing (I mowed the backyard Friday afternoon with the little one on my back asleep - that was amazing, I might add). we walked in to find herbs and plants lined up, alphabetically in rows. so we began. our older got to choose a few plants she wanted. apparently, one of the plants she chose has a variety that has been banned from sale in Florida because people smoke it. who knew. after about an hour of walking, choosing, and tasting each variety of plant we wanted, we headed home.

we stopped on the way to see a dear friend and her family as they prepared to leave town Monday to move to Texas. my love flows for this family, as I have come to care for them so dearly. I love all of them. as the children were playing on the moving van, the baby of the crew (two-year old) fell from the ramp and landed in an ever-so awkward position on the driveway below. terror singed through my entire body. our older was standing at the top watching her friend on the ground in total fear and empathy. mama ran to her child, scooped her up, and they headed to the ER. tears were pour from the other children's eyes as no one was sure what was happening and if the little one was going to be okay. we headed out, as we were blocking their exit.

talking to our older on the way home, I explained to her what had happened and we talked about some things we were feeling. we discussed things we could learn from the situation. it was just a strange time! someone we care for so much! I began to think that it could have just as easily been our daughter and what that must feel like. I do not think ramps like that will be children play zone for me any time soon!

getting home, I was just beginning the brunt of my labor for the day - planting! our raised bed went in this week (thank you, Gardens of Babylon, my new favorite nursery!). I marked them off in square foot sections and began planting - okra, calypso beans, empress beans, beets, cucumber, zucchini, and a few carrots. I plowed up the land to later plant the herbs we got and our potatoes. Pole beans will go in today! As I planted, a dear, long-time friend came to visit for a few hours. that was one of the many unexpected gifts of the day, for sure! I have know this friend for almost nine years, and still am so grateful to have her in my life. It's amazing to me how some friends you talk to daily and others not, but the impression the make on your life is immeasurable!

gardening is truly a gift for me this year!

whew! just writing all that is somewhat exhausting. nonetheless, dinner was out-to-eat-again! not something I prefer to do, but I was so beat from the day I did not want to cook, clean or think!

blessings

something new

I have often been paralyzed from trying something new because I was afraid I would fail. Failure was something that was criticized and looked down upon growing up - why couldn't you do better. this mindset, I have come to see, has lead me to one of my more intriguing characteristics: perfectionism. due to my perfectionism, I have decided to work hard to allow myself to fail with grace, enjoying the journey and discovering parts of Self as I go.

I will no longer be paralyzed, so I have decided to try something new each week (or so) and blog about things as I go.

This week: popcorn on the stove & kefir

Popcorn on the stove is something I sense many have done. I, have not. So after reading a friends post about her popcorn, I felt so inclined. Coconut oil and Himalayan sea salt were my companion pieces. Amazing. This will remain a constant snack (or meal-time addition) in this home (until I find something horrible out about corn, in which case I may ignore it). Later tried to use honey, too... I love caramel corn! Not so nice. Of course I ate it anyway, but no one else did. The success was glorious - we shared it with multiple friends; the failure (for lack of a better word) was beautiful (never again!).

Kefir is cultured milk, for those that do not know. A friend brought me some kefir grains bless by monks, or something of the sort, and gave me a brief tutorial about how to make kefir. she also sent me some links, that I did not really pay too much attention to, and gave me an encouraging have-fun start. I made some interesting mistakes (that merit a LIST):
* I put too much milk (goat is what we used) for the amount of grains we had - ended up leaving it for 36 hours ;) - the kefir was really thin.
* I sealed the jar - not a good idea, as my milk was super sour! guess I will learn. I still drank it and haven't gotten sick yet.
* I did not wash the first jar after the first straining and use. Not sure if that means I've really screwed up, be we will see.
I will have to see how this goes.

success.failure! I am experiencing life!

blessings

Self Conscious

usually I sit down with a specific post in mind. maybe I journaled about something earlier in the day and want to share it here. maybe I had a Spiritual awakening to Self that I just cannot let pass without sharing. today, however, I have no specific post in mind. I hope, as I type, that something with come to me.

negative Self consciousness.

the simple phrase of 'self-conscious' in our society has come to mean something far different than a deep consciousness of Self. isn't that what we are all seeking? but if someone said I want to be self-conscious, it would not sound like a positive progression. lately I have been struggling with comparing my Self to other Selves in the world. I have a tendency to be seemingly conscious in my Self, but end up seeing my Self in a negative light.

this morning I read a reading that spoke of embracing that which I do not have to truly know that which I do have.
"The purpose of the human soul is to experience all of it - so that it can be all of it.The soul, therefore, never condemns that which is not grand, but blesses - seeing in it a part of itself which must exist for another part of itself to manifest.
The job of the soul, of course, is to cause us to choose the grandeur - to select the best of Who You Are - without condemning that which you do not select... bless what you do not choose."

Reading this, I felt a sense of Self emerge - to know myself and allow my Self to embrace and bless that which I have and that which I do not have without judgment. It reminds me of my Fourth Step in Al-Anon - a fearless, moral inventory. What is an inventory? An evaluational of that which you don't have AND that which you have! Today, I will love all that I am, being fully Self conscious, and release my fears or judgments about that which I do not have.

blessings

one small change

I just read a blog post from a dear friend and her One Small Change for last month. The goal is to write at the first of each month one small change you want to make that will reduce your carbon footprint. I wrote for well over a year ways to help save the world with Cool Moms Care, yet for the last year since I stopped writing I have not been working to change too much of my behaviors in my eco-conscious world.

Reading this blog has inspired me. I want to get back into doing things to save the world, outside of the mental and spiritual journeys I am continuing. I want to be a Whole person, so I need to bring the physical back into my life.

The true question, then, is what do I do? I already use CFLs, leave lights off, have our thermostat turned to a reasonable setting, don't leave the water running for just about anything, recycle, compost, no chemicals in cleaning (except the occasional bleach for stripping cloth diapers), cloth diapering... I just thought of it!

THAT'S IT!

We buy lots of items from the bulk item section of the store. I want to start bringing my own containers to fill up when we go. This is not small feat either, as we use glass containers for most of our bulk items... but here goes.

blessings

true intentions

I continue to see the power in thought and word in my life. It's amazing how a simple perspective shift, change of tone, alteration of thought process can change my world. I believe, so it is. That which I judge, I so become. What I create in thought, so becomes my reality.

So I wanted to set some intentions for myself - things I really want to DO and BE. I believe that if I share these, it will help encourage me to flow into each (and maybe give me some encouragement to do so).
* Learn to sew - which would include finding a sewing machine that I am not afraid to use or try out.
* Plant my garden - this is already in the works, but I am eager to tend to it daily with our children.
* Spring clean - if that is not too typical of this time of year. I long to clear out space in our home, as it seems to be covered in stuff.
* Get our dog onto more natural food.
* Finish Conversations With God and continue reading Spiritual books that challenge me.

These are simply a few. What are some of your intentions that you would like to speak?

blessings

after emerging at 5:20 AM, attempting to retrieve my husband sleeping in the luscious queen sized bed of our four year old to ask him to get up with our 11 month old so I could get a just a little more sleep and then yelling a profanity (softly, as to not wake the sleeping child) because he asked me why I was waking him up in the middle of the night, I had a revelation. last night we watched Julie and Julia, which documents the lives of two women seeking to find themselves. this morning, I took my frustration and exhaustion and poured it into a bowl with rice flour, gf oats, blueberries and all the sorts needed to make vegan, gluten-free blueberry muffins with care. something in me shifted away from my self entitlement of not getting sleep and towards this internal strive I continue to have to bring more Life into my life.

I continue to struggle with patience - patience for answers, patience for guidance, patience for a change in self. when I am in a place of calm, creative curiosity, I am more patient and less in the space of trying to figure things out. this week, however, I have been trying to figure things out. I want direction. I want to next step to be right in front of me and it to be a concrete progression towards this goal whose true nature I am still not sure.

but isn't each step a step in the direction I need to go, as it's on my journey?
isn't each progression in any direction that is Self guided movement towards my goals for Self?

there is a part of me that has yearned for a Guide, a Master, an Intuit, a Teacher, a Healer to come in and say, "this is where you must go next to transcend - to be Enlightened." if I am truly honest, this is something I seek often. I have sought that in people I see with a Light in them I fear is not in me, yet is in all of us. I have put all my Power and Self discovery in the hands of others, rarely clutching this Power and embracing all that I AM.

why is it so much easier to look outside myself for answers? maybe because out society, our world religions have taught us to do so, when all the answers we seek are within us - the God-mind in each of us.

so as I added the blueberries to the mix I concocted from simple pours and stirs and the batter turned a shade of indigo, I realized the simplicity of living today. start in love. end in love.

Put some indigo in your life when you want:
* to focus on personal issues
* to develop intuition
* to step outside of everyday life for a new and interesting way of viewing a problem
* solitude and inner communication

Sixth chakra is indigo. Subtle element: Mind. Seeing, inner vision, intuition, comprehension. are my blueberry muffins encouraging me on my path? the behavioral characteristics: this is the stage of the true yogi. all external and internal changes cease to pose problems. all duality ceases. there is no observed and no observer. today, I accept this message.

blessings

so glad to be with you today, sweet journal. my journey surely continues. I have realized that in almost a year, my life has fully transformed. Bambino Brigade has bloomed into this marvelous community that continues to flourish! I pray for guidance and peace in the following months as move comes.

Conversations with God, p. 54
That which you fear strongly, you will experience.
Emotion is energy in motion.
Reading all this of energy, emotion, passion, matter, creativity really hit home. I can see the movement in my own life as I think, ponder, obsess (sometimes), and believe.

...people of like mind can work together to create a favored reality.
I have been seeking - yearning - desiring to experience this life as it's intended. My Soul has been trying so hard to guide me, yet my human comprehension has needed to catch up. I am now open-willing-ready to receive, grow, transform. Open my Soul - my Self - to new Self discovery. Show me what's next. I feel like something new is coming, I just cannot see yet what that is. My limited human condition feels some fear. May my fear be removed by the simple task of saying. My fear is removed; I am filled with Love. Love is all I need.

Hope For Today, p. 93
I don't need to worry where our contact will come from or in what form it will arrive. I only need to open my mind and heart through meditation and prayer and then 'Let Go and Let God.'"
It's less about the how, when, and where and more about the willingness and the what. I am open today.

Blessings

everything creative you have within you will flow forth if you begin in love.

anger in spite of myself

this morning I read a quote that got me thinking about anger. it said ...my anger can be an attempt to change someone or something because I don't want to change. usually what that means for me is I am unwilling to accept things are as they are. acceptance is something I struggle with, especially when it hurts to watch a certain circumstance occurring. however, that brings to mind those reality shows where people hammer their own hands or run into things. what do most people do, even though it hurts to watch? they laugh.

not to say I want to laugh when things painful are happening to those around me, but what is anger doing to serve those situations? absolutely nothing! I can stay in anger because I am unwilling to change - to shift my perspective. I can stay in anger because maybe in my mind, I think that if someone sees me angry, they will change their behavior. I can stay in anger and hope that something will turn out to NOT be as it seems.

or not.

I can choose to allow people the dignity to figure out their own lives, as I long for that in my own. I can choose to keep my thoughts to myself and focus on my own life. I can choose to see life through the lens of gratitude and have peace. I can choose to save my anger for times that really merit anger and let go of the rest.

blessings

judgement

this morning I was reading "Conversations With God, book one," as I have been for many morning. Of course, with my life, I am not too far into it, but also because I read a few pages and really have to translate it for my life. This morning I read:

And remember you this: that which you condemn will condemn you and that which you judge, you will one day become.

Rather, seek to change those things - or support others who are changing those things - which not longer reflect your highest sense of Who You Are.

Yet, bless all - for all is the creation of God, through life living, and this is the highest creation.

this passage really speaks to me - especially the part about judgment. I had this image of judging someone for how they look, and in fact, becoming to look that same way in another life to learn compassion for differences. I want to see all as being As It Is, yet it's so hard to not have some judgment.

Judgment is often based upon previous experience.

And many of my experiences, to date, have been my absorbtion of the experiences of others - not my own. That is pretty intense. My own experiences, subsequently, are now filtered through my interpretation of the experiences of others, so I must find my way back to my own Experience. The magnitude of that seems revolutionary for my Self.

So condemnation and judgement only bring me farther from my Self - and the deeper rediscovery of that Self. I must seek to change the things I can and more forward towards a New Level of Consciousness - deeper, more Self Focused - Self Centered!

Interesting how that becomes self-centered - something I was taught was so wrong and so un-Godly, un-Spiritual, yet it turns out to be the most Godly, Spiritual state of Being there is for me.

blessings

manipulation

manipulate - (L) manus: a hand + plere: to fill
To handle skillfully - to manage artfully or shrewdly, often in an unfair way - to falsify (figures, etc.) for one's own purposes.

I have often used the word, heard the word, practiced the word. It's amazing to me how quick I am to assume someone is trying to manipulate ME, when in fact I use the same tactics. In reflecting on this definition and seeing how the action penetrates my life, I have to stand back and see why I do what I do, how it serves me, and why I continue to use it as a tool if it's not serving my life anymore.

I know I learned this behavior. Many people in my family use manipulation as a means of being sneaky about getting what they want. I am not even sure that most of them realize what they are doing - it's simply innate. I want a Self Change. I do not wish to have this automatic response when others have their own Truth that is outside the realm of what I think is "right." My "right" is invariably no ones, just as theirs is not mine. I seek to bring more of what serves my life into my Self discovery, and allow others the same ability.

Today, as I seek to more away from manipulation as a means to get what I want, I will listen for what others desire, follow my own Self, and allow us both to be within our own means!

Abraham Lincoln said:
It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him.

Blessings

perfectionism at it's best

perfectionism - a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.

Yeah, that can be me. Reaching to be the "best," by judging others around me as "better than" or "less than," in an overall personal strive to feel like I'm worthy. Worthy of love. Worthy to be accepted. Worthy to be complimented. Worthy to exist. But aren't we already "worthy" in the mere fact that we DO exist? Nonetheless, I struggle to be better and my ideals of "better" seem to stem more from the outside world and less in what I think of myself.

This morning I read a quote: "When I'm no longer making mistakes I'll be out of this world." Still not sure if I fully embrace this quote, but the idea of shifting my perspective pertaining to mistakes is a critical one for me. I desire to no longer see mistakes as an opportunity to beat myself up - saying how much better everyone else is than me or thinking that I am not good enough, but rather as a part of my journey, a part of my growth into self-awareness.

My mistakes help me remember who I truly am - who I long to be. They help me remember who I already am but have forgotten. My new challenges bring me out of denial, towards acceptance and guide me to love others, offering compassion each step of the way - both for self and others.

Blessings

being a mother

I have been a mother for about five years, and even at that earliest time I felt changed. Maybe it was life growing inside me - something that is amazingly overwhelming to say the least. Maybe it was a sense of responsibility - that the Universe has entrusted this life in my hands for guidance. Maybe it was that being pregnant was a huge wake-up call that I wanted to get "my life in order," so as not to make the "mistakes" my parents did. I really cannot say exactly what it was, I was simply changed.

Now, more than five years into this journey as a mother, I am even more changed. Maybe that's what it is really all about. I went from fear of nursing, to now clearly nursing in public places without even a thought. I sat at Centennial Park a few days ago and began nursing, not thinking about the fact that ten months ago and more I would have been terrified that someone would be offended, see my flesh in some way, or see my stomach rolling over my jeans. I am changed.

With our first, I had a very different parenting philosophy - one that I did not knowingly choose, but one that was passed on to me. As she grew, I was able to see the pieces of my past I wanted to let go of and new ones I wanted to adopt. My Higher Power surely brought me the guides and teachers I needed to help me get to the still-growing-and-learning mama I am today. Nonetheless, adopting some new principles with our second has proven beneficial for our first more than anyone else.

I heard of a philosophy called "Attachment Parenting." After being in Hypnobabies, hiring a doula, and planning to kick-back from the first unwanted C-section and do a successful, drug-free VBAC, I was ready for such revolution in my parenting. I read. I read some more. I finished "Attached At The Heart" and felt more changed than I ever had before. I was baby-wearing and loving the benefits! We were co-sleeping in our Family Bed, that I must mention (for my husband's sake), is till our bed! I was kind of obsessed with cloth diapering (which deems it's own post entirely). I was feeding on-demand - no schedules here! No crying-it-out. Nothing was done perfectly, but I really wanted something different for our lives so I just kept at it. Little by little, I could truly call myself an AP mama! Sure, I can never attend the meetings, but I am learning I do not need that if I keep my community full of like-minded mamas!

Like mentioned before, our infant and myself were not the only ones that benefited from this new idea. Our older daughter's life was drastically improved. I think after having a C-section with her I really struggled to feel close to her - the emotions were too much to bear some times, as I felt like an utter failure for the first few years of her life - regretting how things went, wondering if things could have been different. Shifting my perspective, letting go of the past, and moving into the present with an open heart made all the difference. I adopted these principles with her and, although it was a rocky start, things really changed.

I will not go on any more except to say that by consistently changing my behaviors with our children (very imperfectly; very sloppily), my life is changed. In turn, my thought process about raising children continues to evolve. I am not finished, but I'm coming to see that's how it works. Maybe on situation that would have sent me into a rage months ago no longer troubles me and I am able to handle it with ease. Maybe a new issues arises and I am overwhelmed to even tackle it as I am not taking care of myself. Who knows what's to come - I am enjoying the journey!

there's something very beautiful about watching our naked baby nursing in my arms. she entangles her legs in her arms, exploring her body - so connected to mine. more than just nourishment comes from this exchange. I feel so blessed. she cuddles me so tightly after, planting a wet one right on my face - the open mouth kind that leaves more than just a saliva mark! I love being a mama!

dreams make it so

I had deep dreams last night. Not sure what brought on the multitude, but there were plenty. In one, I journaled for for what seemed like hours. I cannot recollect what I was writing so diligently about, but it felt so good to purge whatever it was I was releasing. Writing truly is my outlet.

I have noticed lately I am feeling so drawn to so many things. My passions seem to be coming out in all directions.

*I considered homeschooling.*

*I contemplated a farm internship on an organic, local farm.* They were even willing to work with my having our little one. It was almost perfect, but I am reminded that I must have the Opportunity, Desire, Ability, and Time (ODAT). The *time* factor usually is the one that keeps me from things! Oh, that time!

*I feel drawn to finish my book.*

*I long to do more with the brigade.* This group of women has become so important to me and I long to expand what we offer to parents and their little ones in the world of hiking community. Maybe a store is in our future?!

*I desire deeper spirituality.* I actively engage in something daily to achieve this, yet my longing is deeper and deeper each time I do this.

*I seek to live off-line, yet blog more.* The balance is a struggle for me.

Four year old just walked in and wishes my attention.

Blessings