The Truth

Life is hectic. I was sharing the details of the past month with a friend and had to take a breath. Whew! Going through it, I did not realize how much was taking place, yet sharing it (rather vulnerably, actually) with a dear friend, helped me have some perspective. Lately, I have been working to be present going through my life and speaking about it less. This has left me reaching out less, and, yet, being more aware and honest with myself than I have in years.

Grief is something I have come to describe as the space between what I thought was the truth and what really is reality. This space can seem daunting and overwhelming - like someone is stripping off 14 band-aides at once. The feelings seem hopeless and empty, but what I have come to see (and feel) is the immense amount of freedom on the other side of this. Sitting in the truth (as I know it today) is not always an easy feat.

I thought grief was about being sad. I thought it was about letting go of people who have died. It is so much more than that and is taking place, for me, in so many more aspects of my life. It takes a great amount of courage to stay in the space between what I believe to be real and what actually is. It takes a willingness to be authentic, raw, and scared shitless to not try to fix or think or eat my way out of this. It takes me really looking at myself and being open to be wrong about everything - being willing to risk all my believed self-worth, friends, money, love and supposed security to see the truth.

Seeing the truth about myself is where I have to stay. There is so much love for myself there! It's easy to want to focus on someone else - to blame or judge - but that leaves me diverted. I can deviate from the path of self acceptance and awareness, moving into judgements for years and years if I want, AND it does not serve my life. I am left lost in the world and unfulfilled in my life. How, say you, can I possibly live through all this mindfulness? Waking up to doing my best each day, being grateful for what I have, and making LOTS of mistakes (and calling myself out, when needed). Living this way is NOT easy. I am not sure it was ever intended to be easy. The struggle and pain are what make me stronger and allow me to have a deeper connect to my fellow man, woman and child (dog, too, I guess).

Blessings!      

How Small

Do you ever just walk along the earth, look up and realize just how small you are? Today, I did, then in the midst of the smallness I felt this vastness within me. It was a beautiful duality that I have needed. I am beginning to get more clarity about the life I was sent here to live. I may not be able to touch every pain in this world, but I was sent/ brought here for a very large purpose, as I believe we all were.

I've been praying for a deeper awareness of "what's next" and I've received the guidance that I am here to empower those around me, to work (and play) with children (I have so much fun with them), and just be (instead of always doing). These three are cray hard for me, at times. Judgements often interfere with my ability to empower others. Expectations and "what other people think" can impair my ability to just be with the kids. My desire to always do and be better often stands in the way of my just being.

None of us were meant to be small. We were all sent here to change our perspective worlds and lives. What are you being called to do in this world?

On Fire

This month marks a year since I first really returned to church. The sabbatical was a time for me to fall into a deeper space with Spirit and find some grounding there. Through yoga, prayer, meditation, Al-Anon and other means, I seemed to find a space that left me open. I was open again to come back into a structured spiritual space. How can a God that seemed so out of reach, seem to be beckoning me once again into a place with walls?   

For the past twelve months, I have felt a calling back to The Gospels and, over time, even the Old Testament. I love the Liturgical services that bring a little of each into every service. This week, we read Exodus 3, leading into the burning bush. This story used to mean something so different to me. It was a reminder how I always missed something. Why couldn't I see a burning bush with a message in it?

This time around, the message was that the bush was not consumed by the flames. I think I have heard that before and, yet, I never noticed. The bush was burning, and not consumed by the flames. In the midst of service, I heard, "You have not been consumed by the flames."

It has seemed flames have been raging around me for the last two years. Maybe they have always been there and, once again, I have not noticed. Perhaps I was in survival-mode before. I can feel the heat of the flames and I have not been consumed. Moses and Noah (this is another post all together!), names of my youth with stories of supposed condemnation, seem to be calling out to me to know a God bigger than all of this. This God is bigger than a judgmental flood to be feared or a burning bush that's presence always seemed to allude me. This God just might care about my everyday life.  This love just might want me to thrive and truly live.

Life isn't about finding ease, although that is what I thought. Life seems to be more about doing what's right. Doing what is right is usually not easy. Many times it is simple, but ease is not lingering. To truly live, it just might mean that I have to choose the path of least resistance - the path that isn't the easiest way. The peace is what lies beneath the struggle - the message below the flood and flames. What is the message below the flood and flames?

"I am here; you are here. Let's do this!"

One moment at a time, I can do this and I am never alone. It seems I have found a place with walls that no longer leave me feeling trapped, but has opened my mind to a new awareness of the God of my understanding.

Blessings!

Where Have You Been?

It has been a month since I posted. Why is that, you ask? Well, life has moved out of Summer Mode and into full-swing. Homeschool has geared up again, and this is taking a great amount of patience and self-improvement. My new job has entered into a new phase, with my self confidence growing and a great amount of discomfort. Our home still has things that need completion and we are working on making decisions about that. Plus, life in general - relationships, marriage, parenting, friendships, and health. So that is where I have been.

When I was contemplating what I wanted to write about this morning, I was baffled. My greatest growths this month cannot really be stated in words and most of the lessons were more for me than anyone else.

I am seeking growth in the realm of how to feel calm and peaceful even when my mind, body, and soul are struggling. How can I remain at peace when my body is screaming out in pain? Or my heart is aching?  Or my mind will not calm down?

Many times, breathing is what I do to bring the peace. Sometimes I go for a walk. Other times I sit and read a good book. Often times I watch a show that causes me to shut down to everything. Honestly, even that can be helpful at times.

Blessings!

Plant the Seed

Years ago, I began a blog called Plant Potatoes. The idea of this stemmed from our first family-planting of potatoes and reaping this amazing harvest. I saw this expansion of food from a few pieces of potato. My goal was to talk about small things that we can teach our children that will reap huge bounty in the long-term. I love the vision of that place. I know, someday, I will be called back to write more about these things.

As for today, I am moving away from potatoes and on to seeds. Maybe it's the parables I have heard over the last few months that spark this depth of perception around planting, gardening, seeds and God. Maybe it's where we are in our lives. The point is, I continue to use this as a reflective tool for the lessons in my life - the struggles, pains, excitements, and new adventures!

You tend the ground. It seems free of weeds, debris and other plants. Your nourish the soil and scatter the seeds. If the seeds are planted too close to the surface, their roots will be tiny and weak. I can see this in my life. I plan, prepare and nourish only to plant shallow seeds that seem to be blown over by the slightest wind (negative response or cruel reaction). I am devastated. This is not the end. I have a choice: wallow in the devastation of a small plant, or seek to get deeper roots (this is the personal development). I choose to seek deeper roots.

Let me just say, roots aren't cool! They are not seen and they surely don't have beautiful flowers or some amazing fruit that we can eat. Roots are necessary. For me, my roots, which are from a spiritually derived purpose and an ever deeper understanding of love, compassion and acceptance in the world, must be cultivated. Without roots, no plant can stand. Without my own commitment to deepening my awareness and grace, I will not stand - I will be blown over by the slightest deviation.

What does this boil down to for me? Daily practice of seemingly insignificant actions over and over for long-term gain. It may not look pretty from the outside. It may not have flowering buds and sparkly leaves shining in the sun. It will. It will soon. It will because I will continue to cultivate and tend to the parts of myself that no one else sees. It will because I will continue to connect to my higher Power and seek to grow and develop. I will be teachable. I will be open. I will be honest and real. I will look at those scarey things in myself and the world around me and allow God to unfold those discomforts in a new way. I will.

Plant the seed.

Blessings on the Journey!

Lead Me On

Lately, it seems all that I writing about is what I am learning, which, invariably, means it's the crap I really don't want to share. These are the challenges and speed bumps that I a plummeting over and I would SO much rather share how amazingly successful I am at life. Alas, I fail daily. I fail pretty heavily most days and one of the greatest growths I have is that I no longer beat up on my self (at least, not for long).

This weekend I had the opportunity to see that I dove in head first to my new job (yes, I have a new job) and abandoned much of the rest of my life. I began something new, and for some reason I I believed that all of a sudden I should abandon everything else in my life - who I am and what I've become for this thing. I thought I was doing this to make money, but it seems like it's actually teaching me more about balance in my life.

There a new phase of integration happening for me right now because I have to integrate new things into the heart of me that already exists. The goal is not to abandon who I was, but to add this new activity, people and ideas into the life that I already had. I began to live by the "law" of man instead of living by the Spirit.

We read multiple scriptures at church last weekend that reminded me to plan deep roots, keep connected to Spirit, and take it slow. Let go, and let God.

Blessings on the Journey!

Slow it Down

A few weeks back, I made a decision. It wasn't some huge things or a life changing moment where the clouds opened up, and it sort of was. I chose to say "Yes" to something in my life - something that had been creeping into my thoughts and lingering for longer than the traditional flitting thought. I was actually fairly surprised at how simple it was - to simply say, "YES!"

Over these last few weeks, I have seen things shift in my life. I was in a place, previously, where I felt stuck, trapped and unsure of the path I was on. I wanted change and could see no way out. I longed for something different, and I was allowing my current circumstances and life choices to dominate my decisions.

I love some decision making! Really! I love change and plowing through life at high speeds was always my plan, but I miss a lot when I do that. I was missing a lot. So when life slowed down so much that it seemed to come to a complete halt, I was terrified. Things needed to happen. I became agitated, annoyed and a tad bitchy to anyone around me. I wanted life to start happening and, yet, all my efforts to push life forward where fruitless. I had to sit in this uncomfortable place and surrender. I had to let go and trust the process.

What did I learn? Well, here goes. 
* I learned that to sit still takes more skill and maturity than to plow through life.
* I realized that grief is painful and more freeing than any high from a new activity.
* I see that being stuck is a state of mind, not a state of being. I always have an opportunity to be learning and growing, where ever I am.
* I learned that agitation brings out the best in me - like sandpaper gets rid of all the rough edges of things. This also encompasses the fact that I must be willing to change and grow.   
* I have seen some major characteristics in myself that I was in denial about for a long time - there's no more denying when they are starting me in the face at 3 am, morning after morning.
* I can see that life is not meant to be one new activity after another - there are some pretty amazing experiences resting in between each new adventure. 

Sitting still (or feeling stuck) these last few months (well, maybe even years) brought me to change. I got to slowly marinade in my life, choose some new actions, and feel really uncomfortable. AND, I am all the more better for it. No doubt, it sucked going through it and I know my work is no where near complete. What I can see is that each season of my life truly does have a purpose; each phase is there to take me to the next. The openness and vastness of a new beginning from this new adventure captivates me and I am taking it so much slower than normal, relishing in each and ever moment of this next part of my journey.  I am learning to enjoy the ride.

Blessings!

Trust the Promise

The message at our church yesterday was about trusting the promises of God. What does that mean, really? I am sure that I could formulate what I think God is promising me, and it would probably circle around human successes and comforts. Are those really the things we are promised? Or really want?

I have been learning a great deal about (meaning, I am given multiple opportunities to use) "trust the process" and "what I focus on gets bigger." These two mantras are helping me to slow down and be deliberate about my choices. These also remind me to go back to my heart and listen to what Spirit is really saying to me. My heart does not really desire the comforts of human life as much as unity of purpose, to be seen and known, and to have peace. I've seen first hand that more money has never brought those things. These are tough things to attain and they take courage, pain, grief and surrender. Who knew?!

In the dark, trying times, I forget the promises given to me in the light. My heart is clear on what to do when I am present, calm, and slow down. I have to choose to trust my higher Power - the timing never seems fast enough for me. Right now, patience is being cultivated in me. Parts of me are obviously being rooted out, by the challenges and time, to make me the person of my wildest dreams. The best in me is being rooted out!

I was denying the abundance in my life by trying to accomplish the promises I felt in my heart. I am empowered to make the choice about where I will put my energies! I have a choice about what I will serve and what I will believe - there's great power in that. I am not forced to adhere to some code or law; I have the freedom to choose. What I heard we become slaves to whatever we choose to serve, I thought, "I don't want to be a slave to anything. I want to be free." What I see now is the slave analogy is more about service and accountability - I am not going to be beaten or abused if I choose light, love, and the Holy Spirit - and maybe not even if I choose to serve my humanity.

If I choose to spearhead the path to the promises given to me in the quiet of my heart or make the plan, I am only going to get off track. If I choose to listen to my heart, the small, quiet voice that never yells or demands my time, and remain grounded in my space, I will be on the path to peace, prosperity and growth. It is a choice!

Where I put my focus is key - it's not my timing so I mus trust the process and trust what is being brought out in me. A greater plan exists here! How do I walk forward with the fear, darkness, grief and doubt and still have my heart open to the voice of the Spirit to hear my guidance? I have to put my faith in the hope - no matter how small it seems. Faith is moving forward when we have but a "faint glimmer of hope" - trusting and believing in the hope and not being consumed by the doubt.

I am given promises in my heart - I know God never gives us deep desires in our hearts without a plan to bring them to full fruition. It's not a carrot-dangling trick! I must cling to these promises and passions even in my darkest moments - not for money, property or prestige, but for the full revelation of Who I Am!

Blessings  

Career Move

I am back from a nine-day hiatus from home care, schooling the kids, play-dates, phone calls to friends, Nashville and what could be considered "real life." Aside from the acute altitude sickness and some other mild internal drama, being away from home and "life" felt rather relaxing. I didn't think about when I went to bed, what I ate, or when I woke up. I had some internal conflicts about petty things that really aren't too intense, but enough to get me thinking in a deeper way about how I view people.  I reflected, as usual!

Now that I am home, I am sitting here thinking, "Does anyone really care what I have to write?" For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to write. I have wanted people to read what I have to write and be enlightened, informed, or proud. Is that vain? Wow! That seems so egocentric. I know I have gifts that are meant for service to those around me, and, yet, I attach this gift to my self-worth or value and long for more affirmation - more praise. I want people to see me!

That's really it! I really want to be seen and encourage others to see themselves and others. I want to be the human being that I am - raw, real, and messy - and encourage others to be that, too. I want to talk about the things no one really wants to admit - like how I get jealous, angry, and exasperated! I am doing this. That is why I write.

I have a dream to have a published book - and I believe I will have that. I have many written, and the topic has never seemed spot-on. The last two years now seem to be the topic I am called to write about. How can so many circumstances (that, honestly, need to f@#$ing stop) bring one through life? How can I be learning so much, and still so sad, grieving and angry all at the same time? How can I have some of the greatest friends in the world? How can things from my past still haunt me so?

I have been told I am a natural teacher and leader. How does that fold into my daily life? Home school has definitely allowed me to have these gifts shine (and be more dull than ever - schooling ones own children is so different than teaching and leading others). I have been told how connected and aware I am. That has helped me help others that have similar life experiences I have. When I write, some share how much they appreciate me speaking my truth. The motivation for these things is critical to my progress toward my goals.

May I teach, lead, connect, be aware, and share in a way that I give service to others, while fulfilling my purpose. That sounds like a pretty good career!

Blessings!  

I Need Space

Where space is made, healing can begin. 

Yesterday I saw how simply becoming willing to allow some space between me and my problems lead to things shifting. It wasn't huge, it was actually quite small.

In yoga, I have seen that when I slowly open, my body will clear the clogged spaces. If I quickly try to open part of my body the musculature of my body quickly snaps down and attempts to protect that which I am seeking to open. I think my heart may be the same way. If the grief I've been processing through would have been anymore intense, I may have shut down to it. I may have retaliated with solutions and thinking and "get it done" mode - I would have tried to tackle it alone. Instead, I have allowed the transition to be slow, and take its time (it still is taking its time). Let me say, this way is much more painful in the beginning!

The gentle space that is opening up is the hope I keep praying for. I can see the space for the real light to come in - the real light of healing.

Yesterday in church we read 1 Corinthians 12:3b-13. The NIV says, "Now there are varieties of gits, but the same Spirit..." I love how The Message speaks of "the ways God's Spirit gets worked into our lives..." I love the reminder - or awareness, really - that they are all for the common good. I had a new thought that maybe this is God's will for me. What can I do, how can I be guided to do what is best for the most involved (the common good) - for the unity of the whole?

The wholeness of life is clear, too. There are no more broken pieces of me - I have an opportunity to embrace who I am, be aware of the parts of myself that separate me from my God and my fellows, and choose to be willing for space to be there. The space is where God infilitrates and brings about the healing, transformation and oneness of the Spirit within me. 

I love this from The Message: "Each of us is now a part of his resurrection body, refreshed and sustained at one fountain - his Spirit - where we all come to drink." Our gifts, talents, and pains are all welcome at this fountain. "The old labels we one used to identify ourselves...are no longer useful. We need something larger, more comprehensive." The old lies of labels can be let go of - I can live in the truth that I am enough.

In what places in your life can you allow the space to see the more comprehensive label of who you are and who you are meant to be? 

Living Life Inside and Out

I just finished a yoga class where the teach said a pretty resounding phrase for my life right now: "Being okay with being yourself." To put it grammatically correct, and into the first person, I want to be okay with being myself. This is more of a challenge for me everyday, it seems. Maybe it is because I am struggling with sadness right now. Maybe it's because I am actively working my recovery and sometimes life is tough.  Maybe it's grief and life all welled up together.

One thing I am seeing is the importance of doing what we call life on the outside. No doubt, I do a great deal of thinking and internal reflection on life, but living life on the outside is so important for me right now. Maybe that's why I am not a fan of surface-level relationships anymore or what some people think of me. I want to be real and raw with the people in my life and if it's not "appropriate" or someone thinks I am sharing "too much," than I really don't want those people in my life. I am who I am and I want to be okay with being myself.

I was listening to a song today and felt an overwhelming desire to connect with two friends I had just left... even though I had been with them for hours.  It was all about looking out for one another and seeking connection because we already know how this life is going to turn out. Maybe we know or maybe we think we know. Whichever it is, I loved the reminder to look out for those around us. Being in community with others is a key to healing. Moving past the struggles and triumphs of life are so much more fun when we're living life outside, as well as in!

Blessings

Good Grief

Journal from yoga, yesterday

My heart aches today. It feels as if something so powerful and true has a hold of my heart and is slowly, ever so gently extracting all my pain as grief. Oh, blessed! Leave me with something more powerful and true than the lies that have been residing there. Mend my broken heart - a heart touched by the pains of humanity. 

Even sitting here, now, rewriting this all over again, brings tears to my eyes. Grief is one powerful ally, right? How can something so painful be called an ally, you may ask? Well, I have come to see it as one. The personification of such a thing is the only way I can explain it. The pains of my life seemed to wait - wait until time had passed. I truly believe if all the grief came in the instant of the situations, I might have died. My logic, coupled with the pain of this spiritual process may have had me institutionalized.

The last 15 months of my life have had some challenging moments. Home renovations, major transitions, money stolen, lies told, and trust broken encompass our year. Coupled with that, however, were the unintended consequences of real life: grace, gratitude, unconditional love, forgiveness, and peace... Oh, and grief.    

I am not sure why I feel so deeply. I am actually a thinker! That being said, I ache deeply for the pains of the world and the pains of my own life. Today during my Asana, my awareness around feelings was deepened: When you feel something, you're given something. I was reminded that my feelings are messengers, beckoning me to a new part of my journey.

When these feelings are so strong, I begin to doubt all that I know in my heart - I begin to believe I am abandoned in all this and that I am all alone. My defenses go up and I begin to shut out those I hold most dear. My heart closes and I am, invariably, alone through a self-fulfilling prophesy. Doubt exists in my mind - it is my thinking that attempts to make "sense" of things and then I loose my way.

Humanity is going to affect us! We are humans! I no long have the goal to achieve past humanity, but to embrace it for all her gifts and seek a deeper spiritual connection for my strength. I must allow the grief to flow through me, not getting stuck. I must keep connected to my community, family and friends, and be conscious about my choices. I must allow my thinking to exist and not dominate my reality, choosing faith over doubt. I choose to trust the process of transformation that happens as a result of the pains of grief.

I am reminded of the Phoenix - A mythical bird which would set itself on fire and die in the flames. From the ashes, a new and more beautiful Phoenix would arise. 

Blessings!    

Challenge Friday

Do things that challenge you just for practice.

Forgive.
Say, "Yes."
Say, "No."
Give away money, even if you tell yourself you don't have it to give.
Pay for someone's meal.
Invite someone to your house.
Journal.
Call someone you haven't spoken to in months or years.
Ask for help.
Eat a salad.
Eat a donut.
Leave your phone at home.
Do a head stand.
Do a supported forearm stand.


Any more?

Step by Step

Almost five years ago, a group of women was birthed from a cry of desperation on my part. Our youngest child was born on Mother's Day 2009, so each passing of this time of year brings up memories of our birth story. The weeks and months that followed this transitory birth were more challenging than I ever could have imagined. I have a distinct memory of our, then, three year old coming into the bathroom to me bawling on the floor, crying out for release. She said, "What's wrong, mommy?" That was when I knew that something had to change.

I am not sure if it was that very day or a few days later, but I sat down and formulated an email, of which its contents I do not remember. I enrolled our eldest in preschool and invited women from my Hypnobabies class to meet to hike. 

That day, something in me changed. I moved away from judgement of the "terrors" of my life to seeking a solutions. Every time we choose to shift our judgement of ourselves/ others/ our circumstances to connecting outside our thinking, we heal ourselves and we heal the world. My healing began that day. 

The mama numbers were small to begin. There were a few of us that consistently showed up in those sweltering months of August in 2009. I still cannot believe some of the hikes we did in that heat with little ones in tow. By October, we had a brigade and thus the name, Bambino Brigade.

This story has many characters and many more stories. The point of me bringing it up today is this: each moment in life is about taking one step at a time. I was not instantaneously better the moment I decided to write that email. I didn't immediately have some of the best friends I could ever pray for. I did, however, make a decision to do something different. I chose to reach out and ask for help.

Years later, someone asked me how we did this. The answer is so simple: we showed up.

We celebrate five years in August since our first hike. The women and children that have been effected by this group are numerous. Honestly, I do not even know half of the women hiking these days... and the legacy lives on. One moment at a time, women keep showing up to change their perspective, their bodies, their lives. We inspire, encourage, support and love one another on and off the trails.  Each of us continue to show up for our lives.

Thank you, women - each of you that have contributed in mind, body or spirit to the birth of this community that still thrives! I am forever grateful.

Blessings!

Restorative Faith

A phrase of my youth was, "Pray in faith and you will never live in doubt." I'm not sure where this slogan resided in my repertoire - whether it was on a book mark, I heard it in church or some influential person resounded it from their lips. The point is, this phrase came back into my mind a few days ago as I prayed for guidance. You see, some of the challenges of life have been weighing heavy on my Spirit and I have often struggled to even think about prayer. I have practiced relying on a Higher Power, no doubt, but to ask for help and then receive it has often baffled me. Support is something I have often attempted to convince myself I do not need.

I am a doer. What this means is, I ask for help then expect there to be an action I am intended to take. Sitting still, trusting the support of anyone or anything is not inherent for me. Give me a job, I am on it. Grant me a task, I will achieve. Give me an intense yoga class, I will push myself. Give me a challenge, I will find a solution.

Ask me to do nothing, I am scrambling. My mind begins to whirl and I become "stark, raving mad," as our eight year old would say (thanks Alice's Adventures in Wonderland).

Today I did a restorative yoga practice. For those of you unaware of this type versus other types, it is pretty much how it sounds. These types of classes are typically with props for support, in a dimmed room, and less intense, with a slow pace. I cannot typically reside in such environment, and, yet, in recent months, I have come to value calm, peace, and the inner space that I personally never thought was enticing. As I lay in supported Supta Baddha Konasana, I let go fully.  This supported, reclined pose, held for more than ten minutes (it seemed) took me to a place of calm. I was fully supported, breathing deeply, and open to release.

This morning I read about the choices we have before going into obsessive thinking. The encouragement of the reading was to build a support before rationalizing. I need to muster the support from my higher Power and my community before I even begin to reason anything out. The support allows for the release. The faith that I will have all that I need to encounter any struggle, any challenge rests in the restorative space of embracing support and love from God and those around me. This is where I find the strength to carry on, even when life seems to throw challenge and dis-ease beyond what I believe I can handle.

Blessings on the Journey!

Go with the Flow

I woke this morning with a splitting headache. My thinking-self began to analyze and decipher, "Why?" How often I ask, "Why?" Why do certain things happen over others? Why do people make the choices they do? Why do I feel this way? The question "Why?" permeates my brain more than I would like to admit.

I began writing a post this morning about Restorative yoga. I had a detailed account of the different types of yoga and why (there's that words again!) I traditionally choose the more aggressive, intense styles of yoga. I want to explore and know why I prefer rigorous forms over others. The answer is: it does not matter. The answers to the question "Why?" is usually, "It does not matter."

Countless people have written books with pages, upon pages filled with reasons for WHY things happen. Why "good" things happen to "bad" people (is it the other way around?) and the like. Really, it is life. Simply put, I know, and it is the truth. For whatever reason, I am not meant to know why things happen. I can often look back and see how I've grown and changed, how I wouldn't have come to a certain place without what transpired. The reality is, the process is the process. I must trust the process, especially when it doesn't make sense.

I have come to truly believe we are not given more than we can handle, and when the shit hits the fan, that's a challenging phrase to embrace. When I have gone through my biggest struggles, I come to take it as a compliment: "Spirit must believe I am strong." One of the greatest gifts I have received from the challenges of the last thirteen months is to keep moving forward. When I stop and try to decipher the "Why?" of it all, I get stuck. I am stuck in the treacherous pain, the fear, and the unbearable realities. When my brain begins to think, I miss so many of the miracles. When I allow the process to continue, taking what I need and leaving the rest (mainly the "why" of it all), I am able to truly see the miracles and find gratitude.   

Whether there is a God up in heaven planning my entire life or I was part of a pow-wow with Spirit to plan this journey, life is a process that keeps moving. The process does, however, require some flow for the ebb. I have grown so accustomed to the fast-paced flow of life that I forget to slow down. I want to move through my pain as quickly as possible, emerging from the other side changed, better. It's why Restorative yoga is challenging for me AND the restoration after the fast-paced, intense, painful, unbearable practice is a must for me to truly gain the benefits of the practice. 

There's where my work lies: to release my need to understand and embrace the flow of my life, slowly. Sometimes, that means sitting in the discomfort, pain and agony and reaching for something higher than my mind - a Power greater than myself that can embrace, hold, and transform!  

Blessings on the Journey!

Patience to Let Go and Let God

It takes time to truly embrace the implications of "Let Go and Let God." Admitting powerless has taken me years... and years... and years to do and then, I pick up my will all over again. I pick up the obsessions with worldly wealth, prestige or power and forget my primary purpose. Why am I here? Am I here to build financial wealth, change the world, and live it up? Maybe. All I know is that as I continue in my daily life, more and more of my primary purpose is revealed. I don't think I am supposed to know its grand plan and then carry it out. I believe I am unraveling as I go and THAT takes patience. It takes my doing the best I can, showing up to my life wherever I am, and then letting go of the results. Don't leave before the miracle happens.
I had a miracle happen a few weekends ago. OK, I have miracles happen daily- this one stands out for me right now. Sometimes one miracle stands out more than another. This one really pushed me beyond what I thought I could handle, and that's (maybe) the point.

May 4, 2014
7:55 AM

Yesterday was the day: the crawlspace exploration. My husband (John) and I learned the day before of a few gallons of standing urine in our crawlspace. Our anxiety welled, with the impending descent under our house. I was more concerned with the space to get TO the issue - only enough room to squeeze through on my stomach, close my eyes, and pray no sediment creeps into any of my orifices. We dressed - long jeans with knee socks pulled up over, long sleeved t-shirt tucked into my underwear and a stocking cap of one of the kids. Flashlights, knife, a jar of baking soda and air neutralizer, and a racing heart, and we set off. I kept beating my chest, with a primal-pumping-up as a goal. I. Was. Terrified. I am pretty sure John was terrified, too.

I went into the crawlspace, slowly taking stock of any movement, shadows or smells. I wanted to be fully aware of my surroundings. John joined me and without thinking, I lay on my stomach, closed my eyes and began to scoot. I opened my eyes and mouth for a brief moment, absentmindedly and inhaled dust - coughed - closed everything up again and proceeded. Talk about being in the moment!?

I calmed the second my legs could creep up under me into hands-and-knees position. I assessed with the flashlight as I waited for J to wriggle through. I was so grateful it was more open on the other side. There were no shadows, no sounds (but the voices and footprints of our children above), and nothing moving. We proceeded. The waft of urine began to envelope us and it didn't seem to faze me. I take that as a gift, considering days before I was almost vomiting in my kitchen because of the smell. As I crawled, I continued to check. My main concern was some animal - those feral cats two doors down were in and out several weeks ago.

Then, we saw the first puddle: standing urine, with sediments normally found in crawlspaces and insulation. At first glance, there seemed to be only one puddle, then I looked to my right and saw several more puddle. There seemed to be close to three gallons of sewage waste. J came in to scope out the toilet and, sure enough, the insulation in that area was drenched in whatever combination of liquid this waste was. He also noticed wet wood and suspected wood rot. I saw a crack in a pipe running out from our kitchen. The pipe looked like someone had kicked it or fell on it. As we continued to assess the situation, we noticed cat poop and fur. My assumption that the cat fur was simple shedding was wrong, and the depths of disgusting findings only expanded. Maggots. Dead kitten. Cat poop. (I will leave out any more details at this point).

I sat with it all. The movement of the maggots sent me over the line. I began to cry. We both were crying. As we sat there, in our sewage-infested crawlspace, my grief welled. I stayed with it and, then, as if by magic, I began to laugh. I heard a voice, "Remember that hidden value in your crawlspace? Here it is. This is it." I told J, "This is the hidden value in our crawlspace." Months before, I had recurring dreams of some hidden wealth under our house. Surely, I thought, it would be some buried treasure and NOT this.

"John, are you laughing yet?"
"No."
"Stick with it; get to the laughter."

We sat there, in all the muck and smell, all the things that had transpired in the last 13 months, and my fear disseminated instantly. I felt peace. I felt my God - not laying answers at my feet or performing a miracle of turning urine into wine. I felt the love. None of it made any sense. Everything I thought I knew about God, Jesus, spirituality and love has turned out to be mere gateways to a deeper awareness.

So we did what we needed to - cut plastic, let it drain, and sprinkled baking soda. We loaded the cat carcass into the empty mason jar, using fallen insulation to round up the pissed, disoriented maggots that were scrambling about. As urine rolled into my right knee, I stepped back. I was calm.

We left and I did get a little stuck. I was Pooh and needed my Piglet to pull me out. The day before, a friend had just mentioned this parallel in venturing into the crawlspace. John and I sort of resemble this pair. I have a tendency to overeat, my jolly disposition and disregard for time and space can sometimes get me stuck places, while John's fears can often leave him wanting to hide under the bed. And who has always been there to pull me out (literally this time)? Him.

Whether I choose to believe Jesus is "the son of God" or "Man" or whatever modern Christianity calls him, I felt Jesus in my crawlspace. I continue to feel this presence more personal than any God of my childhood - this love that envelops my Spirit and calms my Soul. This is trusting the process, being patient with the growth, and letting go and allowing the God of my understanding to infiltrate my life.

Blessings!   

Just Breathe

In yoga, there are eight limbs. Many think it is a simple practice of body movement. The Asana (or physical practice) is one part and, yet, these other seven limbs are so often forgotten by those unfamiliar. Yoga has become one of the most profound spiritual rituals I have encountered. Possibly it's because I am such a physical person. My life has revealed to me that often I need a physical manifestation of a spiritual experience for true integration and yoga offers this to me.

The limb of yoga, which is loosely translated from Sanskrit to English as breath control, is called Pranayama. On a very basic level, it's an awareness of the breath in the practices of Yoga. For me, it has become an awareness of the life force flowing in and out of my body. The form of Pranayama that has proven most beneficial for me has been Ujjayi. This practice is done by only breathing through the nose for a set count, while closing your throat part of the way. This type of breathing is characterized by the sounds of a low hissing. For me, I love the visualization of breathing in the sounds of ocean waves being pulled back from the shore, contrasted with the waves crashing against the sand. This practice keeps me mindful of the deep inhalations and full exhalations while moving through the Asana.

So often in my life, I find myself not breathing. By practicing Pranayama in my daily Asana, I am now more aware of my breath. Usually I breathe in and hold it, forgetting to release this life force now that it has nourished my body. Why is it so hard to let go? Why do I want to cling to things so deeply? How can I release that which I no longer need?

The answer: because I am human. Part of my humanity continues to reveal that I cling to things. Whether it's people, ideals, thought processes, habits, possessions, love, hate, fear, or what other people think of me, I want to hold on tight. It's like breathing in and desperately wanting to cling to the breath, even though all the oxygen is gone and my body so needs the release. Life is like this breath.

I know I am meant to take in my life, reflect, learn, grow, and release that which is no longer needed. I know that I am meant to be free from the circumstances and take the spiritual lessons and move through this life. The fluidity of water emanated from my mind. I can see what happens when one tries to encapsulate water and the water continues to raise - a breach of barriers. When I hold my life like that, I begin to feel the suffocation of the rise. My life becomes unmanageable and I am not at peace.  I am consumed and cannot see a way out.

The breath work I continue to do keeps me ever mindful of the practice off my mat. I must remember to breathe. I must remember to let go of that which is no longer needed. I must trust God's guidance in this process. The lingering of circumstance lets me know there's still more to learn. I must trust the process - the unfolding of my life.  

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. 

Be Calm

A few years ago, I ran across a podcast encouraging a shift around the essence of calm. This intrigued me as being calm, peaceful, serene - whatever you want to call it - has been a long-standing goal of mine. The main point I drew from this encounter was instead of saying, "Calm down," try, "Be Calm." To claim the calm, I must shift my thinking as well as how I speak to myself. Calm is more than a desperate cry for something other than insanity or loud. Calm is a change to find that inner ease and reconnect to self.

In regards to our kids, using a BE-statement instead of a declarative "CALM DOWN!" has shifted things pretty powerfully. I set a reminder on my calendar for everyday at noon to "Be Calm." Since I am now home full-time, home schooling and with our children pretty much 24-7, offering this reminder to myself everyday, midday has been so helpful. Something I glaze over it, ignoring its implication. Most days, however, I am sent to a simple place of mindfulness to slow down, take a deep breath, and pick up this elusive calm that I so desire. It only takes a slight shift to entirely change my outlook.

How can you make a conscious effort to embrace a characteristic you long to embody in your daily life?

Adventures in Living

I have longed to write again. When I say "write" I mean more than the touch of my pen to my journal pages. I mean I want to write out there... out here. To even begin to unravel the journey of my life, heart and mind these last few months would take weeks, and yet the simple summation of this time is "surrender."

We began renovating our home in October and what I thought was to be the finality of a dream to finish off our garage turned into the most painful, expansive learn experience I have had to date. Maybe that's a tad dramatic, as I'm sure learning to walk and the first time I drove were equally intense. Maybe it's just where I am in my life. So the garage was complete and the unraveling of my home, marriage, ideals, thoughts, values, and comforts began. Not only was our home violated and destroyed, but also my entire being. Once again, maybe a little dramatic, and yet, true. Sometimes it takes the craziest, most uncomfortable and disturbing experiences to bring us to a deeper awareness of self.