after emerging at 5:20 AM, attempting to retrieve my husband sleeping in the luscious queen sized bed of our four year old to ask him to get up with our 11 month old so I could get a just a little more sleep and then yelling a profanity (softly, as to not wake the sleeping child) because he asked me why I was waking him up in the middle of the night, I had a revelation. last night we watched Julie and Julia, which documents the lives of two women seeking to find themselves. this morning, I took my frustration and exhaustion and poured it into a bowl with rice flour, gf oats, blueberries and all the sorts needed to make vegan, gluten-free blueberry muffins with care. something in me shifted away from my self entitlement of not getting sleep and towards this internal strive I continue to have to bring more Life into my life.

I continue to struggle with patience - patience for answers, patience for guidance, patience for a change in self. when I am in a place of calm, creative curiosity, I am more patient and less in the space of trying to figure things out. this week, however, I have been trying to figure things out. I want direction. I want to next step to be right in front of me and it to be a concrete progression towards this goal whose true nature I am still not sure.

but isn't each step a step in the direction I need to go, as it's on my journey?
isn't each progression in any direction that is Self guided movement towards my goals for Self?

there is a part of me that has yearned for a Guide, a Master, an Intuit, a Teacher, a Healer to come in and say, "this is where you must go next to transcend - to be Enlightened." if I am truly honest, this is something I seek often. I have sought that in people I see with a Light in them I fear is not in me, yet is in all of us. I have put all my Power and Self discovery in the hands of others, rarely clutching this Power and embracing all that I AM.

why is it so much easier to look outside myself for answers? maybe because out society, our world religions have taught us to do so, when all the answers we seek are within us - the God-mind in each of us.

so as I added the blueberries to the mix I concocted from simple pours and stirs and the batter turned a shade of indigo, I realized the simplicity of living today. start in love. end in love.

Put some indigo in your life when you want:
* to focus on personal issues
* to develop intuition
* to step outside of everyday life for a new and interesting way of viewing a problem
* solitude and inner communication

Sixth chakra is indigo. Subtle element: Mind. Seeing, inner vision, intuition, comprehension. are my blueberry muffins encouraging me on my path? the behavioral characteristics: this is the stage of the true yogi. all external and internal changes cease to pose problems. all duality ceases. there is no observed and no observer. today, I accept this message.

blessings

so glad to be with you today, sweet journal. my journey surely continues. I have realized that in almost a year, my life has fully transformed. Bambino Brigade has bloomed into this marvelous community that continues to flourish! I pray for guidance and peace in the following months as move comes.

Conversations with God, p. 54
That which you fear strongly, you will experience.
Emotion is energy in motion.
Reading all this of energy, emotion, passion, matter, creativity really hit home. I can see the movement in my own life as I think, ponder, obsess (sometimes), and believe.

...people of like mind can work together to create a favored reality.
I have been seeking - yearning - desiring to experience this life as it's intended. My Soul has been trying so hard to guide me, yet my human comprehension has needed to catch up. I am now open-willing-ready to receive, grow, transform. Open my Soul - my Self - to new Self discovery. Show me what's next. I feel like something new is coming, I just cannot see yet what that is. My limited human condition feels some fear. May my fear be removed by the simple task of saying. My fear is removed; I am filled with Love. Love is all I need.

Hope For Today, p. 93
I don't need to worry where our contact will come from or in what form it will arrive. I only need to open my mind and heart through meditation and prayer and then 'Let Go and Let God.'"
It's less about the how, when, and where and more about the willingness and the what. I am open today.

Blessings

everything creative you have within you will flow forth if you begin in love.