today's a sad, sad day

I just found out this morning that dear friend of mine (for many years) passed away. 28 years old! 28! It's hard to think that a life so short could be snatched away so quickly. When I heard the news I was in shock and thought her cousin was joking. Not that death is a joking matter, but I really just could not believe it.

A few months ago I was talking with this friend and had to draw a really clear boundary around the topics of our conversations. The negativity was getting to be too much for me. I felt like all we ever did was stay in the problem and never talk about great things. She decided to hang up on me that day and we had not spoken since. At first I felt like I should feel guilty for never calling her to say something like, "I'm sorry I had to take care of myself and ask you to not use me a dumping ground anymore," but that would not have sat right with my soul either. Maybe I could have tried harder or urge her to get more help, but hadn't I already done that? Maybe I could have saved her from her pain by just continuing to listen for hours on end about the painful pieces of her life, but that only brought me down. What else could I do?

Is that what friendship is about? Listening to all our friends' problems and that's all we discuss? I don't think it is, but that's how it felt each time we spoke. It felt like the only time we talked was when she was in need of help... and the codependent that I am was there to comfort her for years. I wanted to saver her from her pain... from her past... from her present. When I was constantly in the negative, we both fed each other in that way. It was a good deal of drama. We perpetuated the cycle of negativity by never letting our dramas end. I felt like a victim and she gave me pity... which for some time felt like love to me. Over time, I've learned that's not love!

Today, I'm trying to live in peace, not drama. I felt like my friend never felt peace. She had a really difficult life and I always felt like she was not meant for this world. I love her dearly! I always have. She has the most amazing spirit and was such a fighter. If anyone ever messed with me, she would give them a what-for! She always took care of me... something like a big sister. She taught me how to drive, she introduced me to boys, she showed me the world from a new light. Even though the negative would linger, it would seem she would find some way out for years... until recently.

Over the years, we would fall apart for a few weeks, months or years, but always came back together and it was like nothing ever happened. It was almost like we would get exhausted from being so close and so much into each other's lives that we would need a break. Something in both of us always brought us back together. Maybe it was all the history we had. Maybe it was the struggles we shared. Maybe it was a soulmate thing.

It's hard to write all this since I just learned about her death this morning. I feel a little guilt in writing negative things about someone who just died, but I remember last year when my aunt died, it was essential to remember her as a human - with both strengths and weaknesses. I remember my friend for her ability to make me smile, her love, her amazing sense of style (she LOVED pink), for her dedication to her friends, and to her lively spirit.

I spent one of the greatest summers of my life with her. We were together every second of every day the summer before my sophomore year of high school. She could drive and we rode around Nashville in her mother's handcap-accessible van with a sming in the back with my little sister (who was only 5 at the time), smoking cigarettes and checking out boys. OK, now that I am a mother, I can see how irresponsible we were, but I was only 15 and thought I could do no wrong. We went to parites and ran around like little hoolagins all summer with no care in the world. We took trips to the lake together, spent the night at each other's houses almost every night, and probaly worried the snot out of our parents. Nonetheless, we were fearless and loved being together.

As I look back to that summer, I realize how big a part of my life she has been for so long. I met her in 7th grade and pretty much we were friends off an on until now. Almost 16 years! I am amazed at how far our relationship has gone. When she hung up on me a few weeks, I never expected my next call from her phone to be to let me know she was gone. Never! We always came back together because that's how much we love each other! Today, I remember the good, can smile about some of the drama, and grieve a dear friend that I feel confident has finally found that peace she was always searching for.

summer has been hectic

As I logged on for the first time in a while, I realized that my sweet blog has been somewhat neglected. OK... really neglected. Lately, I guess, I have not had too much to interpret into writing. But that's not really it, either, as I have been writing some of my best work other place.

Not sure why, but I seem to not want to just sit down and write for the sake of writing. I love to write. If I could name my core skill in one word it would 'writer.' For me, this phrase encompasses so much more than taking my streams of consciousness and putting them on paper or screen. It is a very powerful word that connects me to myself on a deeper level. For more than twenty years, writing has been the one thing I have consistently used to help me through things. Whether it was a journal or poetry or learning how to blog, writing has been something like a best friend through the years.

So why have I neglected to sit down and do any writing to put myself out there? Well, frankly I have been a little scared. I have been feeling the urger to finally finish a book I began when I was 14 and to venture into the world of children's books, and the thought of putting myself out there has caused me to clam up for this blog. Frankly...

The past month or so has been one of the greatest of my life. I have had more gratitude for all the abundance in my life (as I have watched the true abundance of food, toddler-hood, business, and love spark up all around me). I have made, and now have, more friends than I ever thought possible. I have my own garden. I have a vivacious, beautiful little girl (who is smarter than I ever could have planned). I am more in love with my husband (more so, even, than I was when we were on that pink cloud of dating).

I am happier than I have ever been, know myself and those around me better than I ever have, and feel like I am finally "coming into my own," as they say. The most interesting thing is that I still don't make that $100,000 I swore I would make my first year out of college (I was rather ambitious then), own that car I thought I had to have, or wear designer clothes. I am actually making less money than I was a few months ago.

So all in all, I am happy. I do not have everything I think I want, but I definitely have more than I know I need. My Higher Power has definitely given me all that I need and filled my life with more love than I ever thought existed!

new hobbies

I have never been one with a green thumb. Honestly, everything green I ever had ended up dead. Somehow I just never got that skill. I was never taught how to sew, either. My aunt (who passed away almost a year ago) was skilled beyond belief in both these areas. When she passed on, I felt this overwhelming desire to garden and sew. So this summer, that's where I am. I bought a sewing machine and planted a garden. I feel inspired and excited about my attempts as some new hobbies.

New York Times

I recently read an article titled, "Why Bother?" It's simple implication was to open up the floor for discussion on the climate change.

The Big Problem is nothing more or less than the sum total of countless little everyday choices, most of them made by us (consumer spending represents 70 percent of our economy), and most of the rest of them made in the name of our needs and desires and preferences. For us to wait for legislation or technology to solve the problem of how we’re living our lives suggests we’re not really serious about changing — something our politicians cannot fail to notice. They will not move until we do. I LOVE IT!

Thirty years ago, Wendell Berry, the Kentucky farmer and writer, put forward a blunt analysis of precisely this mentality. He argued that the environmental crisis of the 1970s — an era innocent of climate change; what we would give to have back that environmental crisis! — was at its heart a crisis of character and would have to be addressed first at that level: at home, as it were. He was impatient with people who wrote checks to environmental organizations while thoughtlessly squandering fossil fuel in their everyday lives — the 1970s equivalent of people buying carbon offsets to atone for their Tahoes and Durangos. Nothing was likely to change until we healed the “split between what we think and what we do.” For Berry, the “why bother” question came down to a moral imperative: “Once our personal connection to what is wrong becomes clear, then we have to choose: we can go on as before, recognizing our dishonesty and living with it the best we can, or we can begin the effort to change the way we think and live.”

Awareness is the key to action - with knowledge comes responsibility. These are two phrases that I use frequently in my life. How can I KNOW all that I do and NOT change? When I first began doing more recycling and really trying to change my behavior, I was met with some resistance. Not only from people around me, but from myself. You see, I was TRAINED to do things a certain way. Whether right or wrong needs no discussion. Nonetheless, I was taught one way and for whatever reason I truly believed that was the way to live.

If you had been told your entire like that the sky's color was yellow instead of the traditional training of blue, you would fight to your grave with someone to convince them it was yellow. If not a fight, you would at least stand to your resolve that the sky is yellow and the other person was misinformed. I do not like to think that I AM the one that has been misinformed - misguided. So when I read this article, I felt inspired.

Sometimes I wonder why I keep working so hard to make a difference in the world. The idea that someone across the street or on the other side of the world is countering all that I am working to accomplish no longer hinders my momentum. I will not be stopped now. I have seen and felt the benefits. Anything from a reduced electric bill (which means less coal) or a lower water bill (which helps in the shortages all over the world). I have seen it. With two full rain barrels, a compost bin full of rotting foods, recycling bins that need emptying more than my trash, and more yogurt containers for food storage saved in my cabinets I can SEE.

Although my firm resolve to be different may not change the world today, and we need what this article calls "laws and money," I still feel that my PERSONAL impact is bigger each day. I am changing the way I buy, the way I eat, how much I eat, how often I drive, where I drive, who I am around, my personal past-times, my attitude about other's life-styles (I used to be so fired up I would judge others for not holding similar convictions), and how I work.

This article speak directly to gardening and although I am no green thumb, I am taking a stab at it this year. No matter how small, it makes a difference. My tomatoes, lettuce, herbs and arugula keep me out of the store for certain things. My little 6' x 6' garden doesn't hold much, but I am definitely reaping what I sowed!

I also love the way this article discusses the unsurmountable amount of reliance we put on people around us. I was sitting at a restaurant the other day - which I do not frequent too often - and realized just how much we rely on other people to do things for us that we can do ourselves. At this point, I feel I can briefly divert from the direction this article went. The disconnect and unrealistic expectations that come with this type of situation have really molded our society into an even more selfish, arrogant society.

OK, back to the article. Cheap energy allowed us to leapfrog community by making it possible to sell our specialty over great distances as well as summon into our lives the specialties of countless distant others. For me, this means I let the cheap, less environmentally-friendly energy dictate my buying habits in many ways. Products produced in this fashion are often cheaper. I wish that producing things in the most eco-friendly way were less expensive to our pocket book. In a society so driven by the wallet and what you have as far as money goes, I often feel so defeated when I cannot afford to buy things that are more expensive just because the are more sustainable or less likely to cause long-term damage to our earth.

Whatever the case, I choose to spend that extra money in certain places. One of the biggest choices we have made is to participate in Community Supported Agriculture (CSA). Although it costs $700 up front, it is intended to provide food for 25 weeks. That's $28 a week for local, organic, fresh fruits, vegetables and herbs. Although that's not my entire grocery list covered, it IS a large part of it.

What I got from this article? Why bother? Any small step makes a difference that would not have otherwise been made. So I am bound and determined to keep doing the small things I am doing.

hydrogen

I had a revelation today. I was sitting with a friend and realized just how different I am now from just six months ago. I saw how much this plays into the relationships I have in my life. I was trying to explain it to someone else and the only way I could get what I meant across was to talk about chemistry. I was never one for ions and bonds, but for some reason it seemed to fit.

Let's talk about hydrogen. Hydrogen is number 1 on the periodic table. I can't remember why, but I think it must be pretty important. For no other reason than I know multiple products with hydrogen, let's say I was hydrogen.

The culmination of adding and taking parts away since my conception brought me to be the product I am today. From any two points in my life, I can mark change and growth. Whether from birth to now, or college to now.

Five years ago when I got married I was one thing that I am very clearly not anymore. I was even more self-conscious than I am now. I was extremely self-richeous. I thought I knew more than most people. I thought because I was smart, funny and a hard-worker I should make $100,000 my first year out. I was extremely controlling. I helped my sisters with all their homework - OK, really I would do it for them sometimes. I was many things I wished I wasn't.

Much like elements, I have been combined with other elements to create something completely new. With hydrogen, you add some more hydrogen and some oxygen and get H20. Although hydrogen is still a component of the bond, it is no longer hydrogen... it's water. So am I. Although I have parts of me that still exist from that time, I am no longer that person. I am something different - something new. Although the hydrogen-oxygen bond can be broken, it cannot be so without some pretty intensive works. So with me. I cannot change the essence of who I am now anymore than I can change the past.

Although I can continue to work and become the person I want to be (and that I feel God intends for me to be), I do not feel this is something imperative to put into this calculation.

I have talked about a clean slate here. I am realizing that I need to have a clean slate with others, too. Just as I am different, so are those in my life. Being married is the perfect place to see just how different you are. Two people living in the same house for years creates quite the chemistry example. Two elements constantly changing to be completely different products... now how can those products live together?

I guess I have to leave my chemistry analogy at the door for this one. I am realizing that choices have to be made. Although the people in the marriage may still have components from an earlier time, time has undoubtedly altered both. The choice is: do you stay and grow through those changes or decide that the chemistry is gone?

you decide!

clean slate

Who I was in high school is not someone I remember all too well, and frankly I am grateful that my memory has slipped away in that regard. Who I was is not someone I would necessarily stand here and brag about, but I was not too bad. Snobbery consumed me; judgment and criticism kept me on top. For me, it was a pecking order and I was forever fighting to get up that ladder. I never really felt like I was there, and I never felt comfortable trying to get there.

High school for me just felt awkward and confusing. I never felt like I fit.

So why do I bring this up, almost 10 years after my high school graduation? Well, I have been running into people that I have not seen since high school. Entities like Facebook have brought some of them back into my life, but the intensity is far too impersonal for any fret. Seeing these people, face-to-face brought a great deal up for me. I do not want to be the person I was then and do not want people to see me for that who I was. I have worked too hard over these last few years to not let others define me or dictate my worth.

I know it's none of my business what people think of me. It is really their loss if they are going to have a closed mind and keep me in some mold I was in then. I cannot remember much of high school due to illness, but I really do not even want to be remembered for who I was. I would rather get to know these people all over again and start new. I would like a clean slate. I do not know anyone from those years anymore. I did not even know myself then, let alone really anyone else. So here's to a clean slate.

Hopefully this post is not too disjointed. I am rather tired tonight.

Blesses Be!

stubborn

My little one woke up yesterday afternoon from a much needed nap in a wretched mood, not to mention her face was plastered with crusted snot from an abundance of allergies. When she as playing the "this is my mommy attitude match" with my mom sitting on the couch next to her, she threw a slight tantrum and spilled popcorn all over the floor. Part of me felt like I should not make her pick it up since she is not feeling well and it was an accident, but an even bigger part of me realized just how loving it was to encourage her to actually pick it up. My responisbilites certainly do not stop just because I'm having a bad day or snot is not my face. OK, well, I usually do not have snot on my face, but you get the point.

We went back and forth multiple times. I very lovingly asked her to pick up her mess and amazingly I stayed calm, gentle and compassionate through the entire endevour. I remided her that when we make messes it is our responsibility to clean them up. She refused to use words or do as I asked. After numerous attempts, I told her that if I had to ask again she would need to go to time-out. This entire time, our dog was trying to clean up her mess. Not this time.

My mother is sitting there the entire time. I wasn't sure if she would chime in and try to help as she often does and I prayed she wouldn't. There is something rather special about being a mom and having the opportunity to do this myself. Time Out came. She sat in her chair for her 2 minutes and did marvelously. As she was sitting there, my mom spelled out S-T-U-B-B-O-R-N. I sort of coked my head to one side on this one. I know I AM stubborn, but is she? She is only 2? I realized that I had a strong will when I was a child and that I was therefor called S-T-U-B-B-O-R-N. So what does that mean for my little one? Is stubbornness a genetic trait?

As I was journaling this morning, I realized that I want to Parent without Labels. I struggled whether to post this to our family link or here, but I feel like parenting is such a part of ME that I chose here. Parenting without Labels.

When we label our kids as "stubborn," "fat," "negative," or "loud," we are inevitably setting them up to be stubborn, fat, negative or loud. Why? Well, I realized that when I was told something about myself over and over again when I was unsure of myself and still trying to realize who I was at my core, I began to believe what I heard. It did not even have to be true about me. I have always held the firm belief that if I had grown up being told the sky was green and the ground was purple I would fight the the end to prove that to be true for others. The same holds true here.

Heard of self-fulfilling prophecy?
The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come 'true'. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.
For me to label my little one as stubborn will only perpetuate the overall outlook of self. I'm not a psychologist, but I know parenting. The let her know she is ACTING stubborn is different than calling her stubborn.

It reminds me of an article a friend reminded me about a few weeks back. No one wants to be labeled for any reason. Really, my daughter is only 2 and is in no way defined as being one way. I am 27 and still am not fully convinced I am defined. I am constanly changing (for the better, I hope)! So as for today, I am not going to call her S-T-U-B-B-O-R-N, maybe just boog like I alway have.

taxes

I heard an interesting theory yesterday on NPR about taxes. The argument was the giving people rebate checks will result in a different outcome than offering them tax relief throughout the year or giving them pre-paid debit cards. The idea is that if we are giving a relief each month, we will significantly change our buying habits as apposed to getting a check once a year.

As I look back over the last year, I can actually relate to this theory pretty intently. Honestly, when I quit my job February 2007 to become a full-time, stay-at-home mom, our finances changed dramatically, but my spending patters took a few months to catch up. I kept spending like I was, to some degree, thinking my income was not that big of a deal. I was quick to be corrected.

When I got a new job in September, I had been hit hard enough to know that just because I was not making more money I really needed to work on catching up from February. When I became a salaried employee and my husband got a new job, we sort of went off the deep end. We got Netflix, rejoined the Y and did some home repairs that we had been holding out on. I bought a new computer for work (which I was desperately in need of) and began to see how fast that extra money each month was gone and we were "strapped" again.

This was when I resolved to get my spending into a new place. We began to adopt the 24-hour wait period for all purchases, we had to revamp our budget and really start over. I never learned much about money from my parents. I had two over-spending parents and one who was so frugal with things that if you ask for $9.99 she would hand you 9 one dollar bills and 99 pennies before handing you a 10. I never understood the implications of money.

Today, I am seeking to find balance with money and not change my spending habits just because we have more income - the "more" is to be saved, invested, or given.

I once heard that most millionaires only make about $50,000 to $100,000 a year. These people probably pay off their homes, have no car payments and rarely use credit. I want to be that frugal. I want to get a tax return and invest it rather than have to catch up from over spending.

why do writers struggle with depression?

Growing up, I was told I was a good writer. Multiple times I was told that I wrote my feelings so well. Funny thing was, those feelings that I wrote so well were only the tip of the iceberg. I struggled my entire life with esteem, worth and love of the Self. No matter how many therapists I went to or pills I took or times I threw up, the pain did not go away. I wrote to get it out, but it still did not make it go away.

I am not in a good place today. Oddly, I have been writing more lately. It seems to me that I cannot predict when the onset of depression will come for me, which makes it all the more frustrating because I cannot control it.

I am a perfectionist. I struggle day in and day out to do things perfectly. In the last few days I have dropped the ball on various things. I have forgotten to call people back, neglected to email a confirmation, and misplaced multiple things. This is not like me. Before motherhood, I was ALWAYS on top of my game in the world! I never looked like a mess and was professional, on time, and never let my constant self-agony show beyond the occasional tear to a person I was close to. I have always felt like I merely cannot keep up. When this comes, I feel like EVERYTHING is falling apart (the dramatic side of me).

When this EVERYTHING begins to fall apart, I start to beat up on myself pretty harshly. My internal dialog turns into an analysis of what I SHOULD have done or why I AM the one to blame. As I was journaling this morning, I realized that this is a bug struggle for me. Someone does not always have to be to blame. I am human and am going to make PLENTY of mistakes. I am not perfect.

So back to the depression. I know this will pass, as it always does. And do not think that I am an overall depressed person. These days, my depression is no where near what it used to be. That PERFECT on the outside I mentioned above crumbled every night I came home. I was deep in bulimia and isolated daily. I could not handle being ON 24-7.

Today, I can be off for a few days and see how human I really am and be humble. I can think God for the awareness and look at myself and see how I can change or why I am feeling the way I am. Many times it just means I need to sit in the uncomfortable depression and self-loathing - really I just have to be in some major pain - and then I see the light. For me (unfortunately), I have to be in a great deal of pain to let go of something. To let go and let my Higher Power take it over for me.

I make my life unmanageable by trying to over-manage and micro-manage every part. I am not a very good life-manager with my own devices. I need a power greater than me to guide me through that.

Back to my original question: why do writers struggle with depression?

I am not sure about everyone else, but for me I believe my inherent ability to write comes from my overwhelming ability to feel. This feeling part is where the depression comes in. I am able to look inwardly and write more about what my heart is agonizing over with eloquent words that I can say it to a single person. I may not be the most profound speaker, but I can find my profundity in my writing...

Truth
Michelle Andrade
2004

I go there – to My reality
another reality unknown
unknown to all less You and Me
another reality no one sees
My poetic voice – My Truth
standing in My Truth
the corridor of My soul
You are amidst the trance
The growth of My soul
My Spirit
I learn – I am privileged
You guide me along
With Your Light and Wisdom
the Wisdom of all before me
the Wisdom of all to come
my introspection
my silence
the voices – Yours and Mine
softly loving and grace
never alone
yet free to change
I go there – away from here
More alive
I go there – to My Truth
To My Self

this is my life

I was fumbling through Facebook the other day and saw how many people I know that are in a stage of life that is no where near mine. I see partying (which I dabbled in for a few years), done-up hair styles for out-on-the-town evenings (I'm lucky if I get in a shower some days), designer clothes and hours of the night I only see if someone awakens with a nightmare. It is interesting to see how far removed I am from that once so familiar stage of life.

Here I am, 27 years old with a husband, child, and dog.

I see people lavishly spending around me and wonder, am I missing out? I have budgetary struggles, a mortgage, and limited financial resources. Once upon a time, I lived on daddy's dime, and got pretty much whatever I thought I "needed" (really just petty wants). Today, that is not my life. Today, I get to discuss and compromise on things. I have the opportunity to be in a fully self-supporting family. I may not get everything that I want, but I am more than provided for.

I have many things to be grateful for! We have no debt besides our house and have worked hard to keep it that way. I am a stay-at-home mom, but get the opportunity to work part-time for an amazing company that cares about me and my goals as a mom. We are well provided for and I have nothing to complain about.

I have an amazing husband that supports me in my goal to be a mom and raise our child. Sure, I cannot go out and spend $100 on a pair of shoes, but no one has my life... a life that I am becoming more and more grateful for each day I truly live in it.

children running through

So I am usually behind on things. Not to say that I do not jump on band wagons at the start, but that pretty much is the case. Although Patty Griffin's "Children Running Though" is more than a year old, I have to say I did not purchase it until recently. 

Almost 10 years ago I was introduced to Patty Griffin... still behind, I know. I fell in love with a few songs on "Flaming Red," but really did not listen too much to the other songs. Her music was amazing; her songs were something of a miracle to me.

So here I am listening to her latest, wondering how I have not grown more of a love for her in these years. This woman has inspired me. Listening to Trapeze I can feel myself swinging through the air with the "greatest of ease" and wanting to know the feeling to drink in the potion of the Lady of the Snake and "after that [my heart] never ache again." 

I hear Burgundy Shoes and can literally visualize a young girl in her "plaid dress" struggling to understand the world around her. As the music eases up and down the piano I can feel chills run up my legs, the drums enter as the mood changes to the brightness of the sun. I want to be there... watching this young spirit ease through the world in mindfulness. I can understand.

Or maybe it's Crying Over that makes me want to move into a honkey-tonk to find some truth. Bring me out of the sorrow of winter into the tears. When the tears come, healing can begin.  

Sadness, love, truth and light. For me, this album seeks out answers. 

love, tolerance, acceptance

This morning, after breakfast, Camden walked up to me, still in her PJs, with a pair of sparkly, sequin shoes. She said, "Mommy hope (which translates as 'help')." She said that she wanted to be a princess. Once I helped her get on her shoes, it was time for the dress. She said, "Now the dress."

Camden is in her sparkly shoes and polka-dot dress playing with trains and horses. The traditional stereotypes of what girls should do and wear and what boys should do and wear are ignored by toddlerhood.

I want Camden to know it is OK to play in the mud, be a princess, play with trains, eat dirt, play dress-up, read books, play any sport, and be whomever she wants to be, but some are not so fortunate. Unfortunately, there are some pretty harsh stereotypes that we have to associate with boys and girls. Little girls wear pink; little boys wear blue. Although the color of one's clothes may not be all too significant, I find myself thinking sometimes, "that is for boys."

For the past few days I have wanted to write something about story of the young boy in Oxnard, California that was shot. Some say this is a hate crime because the young boys was gay. As I was on the elliptical yesterday I was listening to Patty Griffin's Flaming Red and "Tony" came on. This song, if you have not heard it, is about a young boy - "a quiet boy, little over weight; he had breasts like a girl" - who takes his own life because he "looked in the mirror saw that little faggot staring back at him; pulled out a gun and blew himself away."  

"Funny, how I never knew; there I was sitting right behind you... I guess you finally stopped believing that any hope would ever find you."

I felt tears roll down my face, which can be a strange occurrence in a public workout facility. Nonetheless, I felt so much emotion around all this and wondered how I could change the world's view in all this. I cannot single-handedly convince the world that we are all individuals with our own preferences - whether boy or girl. I cannot make people in this world teach their children how to love all God's children. I cannot stop hate crimes. I can, however, keep an open mind and teach my little one the values of love, acceptance, and tolerance for all people - no matter their shape, name, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, race, gender or personal opinions. I can teach her how valuable individuality is, for without it we would be an extremely boring, lifeless world. I can teach her the benefits of loving and accepting others and having friends of all walks of life.

It seems in the South there are some pretty narrow stereotypes I see. If you are not a white, christian, in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship with another white person with at least two kids (only if you are married, of course) and a clean house you are out of the norm and therefore judgement comes. I am many of those things listed above... but I am also not many of them and have seen some pretty harsh judgement for it.

I think that is enough said. Thanks for listening.

where have I been?

I was convinced that I would keep up with my blog at least weekly.  Today I received a link to my friend Megan's new blog.  She graciously linked to this little spot and I realized that I have not written in almost a month!  WHOA!  Where have I been?

Work has been something of a challenge lately and I feel like every day I am in a pinch to do something, get organized, or write something for work.  Camden has not been napping the way she used to, so my time is being occupied more and more by time with my sweet little angel.  So... that is where I have been.  

Where am I now?  

I am in a place of great self-awareness.  I am getting the opportunity to see all the things I want to change about myself.  What some call character defects are all over the place for me right now.  

One of my biggest struggles is with self-confidence.  When people say something to me or about me, I have a tendency to automatically take it in as my truth.  Remaining confident in myself despite what others say or think is probably my biggest battle.  My insight?  I am seeking to let others' thoughts about me be their business and not affect how I see myself.  What others think and feel is not because of me - I am not that powerful.  If someone has a problem with me, that is a something within themselves they must deal with.  If someone does not like me for whatever reason, I am not responsible for changing their views of me.  I may not be perfect (and if you know anyone who is, please let me know!), but I know that I am a pretty cool person.  That being said, let me make a disclosure about the difference between pride and self-confidence.  I know I need to improve, but am a great person just the way I am - this is self-confidence.    

Self-confidence can leave as quickly as it comes if I forget my truth.  Today, I will work to stay in my truth and let others be in theirs.         

the sun went down

My writing is something I truly love. Not just like I love to do it, but I truly love each piece like it is a child of mine. Each poem, story or piece express a part of me that may not have been free otherwise. The act of writing has given me the opportunity to say and feel my way through things I never thought possible.

I am a very emotional, passionate person, therefore I have had a broken heart on many occasions when I could not have what I thought I truly desired and was entitled to. I think this can also mean I can be a control-freak, but that does not sound as gentle. Love is something I feel we are all gifted. Each of us has the chance to feel love, then it almost instantly can go away. I learning to cling to the love I feel for myself and my Higher Power and not seek out something in someone else that they may never be able to fully give. My worth is not meant to come from others... it is meant to come from within me.

OK, enough with the mush.

Here is a poem I wrote a few years ago.

The Sun Went Down
The Sun went down
On all love gone
But was sure to rise
With something unknown

Faith to hang on
And Patience to wait
Lead life to somewhere
That nothing could break

Still standing here
With Love as their guide
Two souls march on
Eyes wide open, side by side

Michelle Andrade 2004

just finished

Today I finished "eat, pray, love" and have to say I am so terribly sad. Not because it has some catastrophic ending that left me heart broken, but because I am now finished. There was something like company that this book brought me. I felt like I was sitting and listening to an old friend give amazing renditions of her journey and tell me all the details of her amazing story.

This book really brought some pretty amazing awarenesses into the forefront of my mind. I wrote her a letter and received back a generic response, but I know it is in her words, so I feel like that is more than enough.

I encourage you to read this book. I really touched me.

light a candle; say a prayer

As I lit the candle and sent a prayer to the Universe, to God, I felt something amazing happen. I know Catholics have often used candles as a very integral part of their religious practices. Our church uses candles each week to mark great sorrows or great joys. I began this week lighting candles for certain things and letting them burn as I journal, read and meditate in the morning. There is something rather powerful about the process.

Someone said to me, "It is like you can see your faith." I love that idea. So many things in the spiritual realm are unseen. Our senses are so used to dominating that it makes it hard to be able to see things and feel things without sight and touch. Nonetheless, faith is one of those things.

I was recently reminded about a phrases that Jesus said about give to Caesar that which is Caesar's; give to God, that which is God's. For me, this means I give the practice to God and the actual items where it is due. The reference was to money and this too is another way I have found I can see my faith.

I am not one to believe in the idea that you must tithe (or give 10%) to "God." Money is not God's; money is man's. So, I give money to man (as in a charitable organization) and the sacrament of giving and trust is God's. When I do this, it is not about how much or how often, it is about giving and trusting that God will care for us with or without that $200 (or whatever amount it is).

So today, I am seeing the magnitude of faith in my life and the amazing gift I have of being able to light candles to feel closer to God's truth - to let go of my uncertainties and somehow let them float into the Universe with the flame.

rocked to sleep

When I began this blog it was strictly to be my spot to think and reflect on life. That being said, I thought I would not include my child in that, since we have a family blog pretty much devoted entirely to her. Nonetheless, I simply cannot have a place where I think without her. She is such a vital and integral part of my life that she must be included in this blog, even if just for a day.

I have heard the phrase "Terrible Twos," but I refuse to believe that is will happen to my little one. We decided to call it "Tremendous Twos," since everything is HUGE to her. Something falls over off the table and it is call for total devastation. I have really tried not to loose myself in her fits and keep my composure. I do not react when she is in a place of discontentment, I simply ask her to explain what is wrong and we can usually get through whatever it is.

Two weeks ago her beloved aubbie went with the Abbie Fairy to go see younger boys and girls who need aubbies now. Camden really seemed to take to the idea and did not ask about it but once three days after its departure. Even so, her behavior began to dramatically alter to the point she refused to nap. I work from home, so these 3-hour-sabbaticals had become my time to truly focus on work. I felt frustrated and defeated. I had no idea what I was going to do. Any mom can relate to the fact that when your child does not sleep, anxiety comes.

I refused to accept that she was not going to nap anymore, but to have her just sit and play in her bed for hours did not help me either. Around this time, John began having some great ease putting her to bed at night by rocking her to sleep on his shoulder. She has not done this since about 10 months old. She has loved to fall asleep on her own. Not anymore.

She went back to school yesterday and John started his new job. We all prayed together yesterday morning that John would have peace at work, Camden would have fun at school, John would enjoy his new co-workers, and Camden would have a sweet nap with her friends. It was an amazing process. The three of us simply prayed together and it was so amazing how wonderful each of our days were.

Cam napped at school and daddy had a really great first day. Her nap went so successfully, I had to ask the teacher what they did. They laid with her. Much like the time she had with a John the past few nights, she had with her teacher at school. Her peace and happiness in the afternoon are something I have not seen in more than a week. The nap made all the difference. The Tremendousness of everything is still there, but not in the same light.

So I tried for myself last night. We prayed, read, prayed some more, read some more. THEN, I started to rock. I turned off the lights and rocked with her. She talked to me some about her day, shared with me some of her thoughts and even sang some to me. Then, without a moments notice, her breathing slowed, her eye lashes ceased brushing my cheek and she was almost fully asleep. I put her into bed with ease and did not hear the normal chatter I have heard for weeks.

My observations: 1. now that aubbie is gone, she is in need of some sort of additional affection, 2. I am more than happy to give it, 3. I love this! My frustration hindered me from seeing that something may need to be changed. I just wrote an article for CoolMomsCare called Recalibrate... and that is just what we needed to do.

I feel like we are no where near the end of this. What with John's new job, schedule changes, me working more, and aging, but I have to say I am so grateful to get to hold my little one again and lull her to sleep in a way that she feels comfort and peace for sleep.

eat, pray, love - reflections

Today I heard from Liz some great truth for me. She saw all this in India. Things I have wanted for so long to experience and feel within myself, she expressed so beautifully here as she sat on a roof of an ashram in India.

Steps to Freedom
1. Life's Metaphors are God's Instructions
2. You have just climbed up to the top of the roof. There is nothing between you and the infinite. Now, let go.
3. The day is ending, it's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something that else that is beautiful. Now, let go.
4. You're wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go and watch the stars come out - on the outside and on the inside.
5. With all your heart ask for grace and let go.
6. With all your heart, forgive him, forgive yourself and let them go.
7. Let you intention be freedom from useless suffering, then let go.
8. Watch the heat of day pass into the cool night. Let go.
9. When the Karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.
10. When the pass has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life with great joy.

These words really hit me. Just after this she writes, "As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul. Even one puff of it is bad for you."

This week I have been striving to forgive others and let go. To forgive myself and let go. The imagery I have with Liz's experience is so vivid. I can almost feel myself on that roof amidst a black sky filled with stars popping out one by one. This was one of my favorite past-times in high school. Even in the city lights, I was able to see stars and feel, somehow, closer to God.

I rarely make time to look at the stars and feel my smallness in relation to the world. God is so much bigger than my resentments. Why do I need to focus on those? I want to focus on the bigger of the two, let go and grow. I want increased contact and communion with the divine, not the angry feelings I seek within.

I may never make it to an ashram in India, but I have stars here. I have stars anywhere I go (even if they are hard to see). I hope to let go of my resentments, forgive and let go into the deep abyss of God's unfailing love.

life without hot tea

If I could imagine a life without hot tea I may become the saddest person to walk the earth. Although this may sound somewhat dramatic, I truly could not have a life without tea. I rarely drink coffee anymore and have my cup each morning with my journaling and reading (as you know from my previous post, is a MUST).

My tea kettle
My favorite mugs
My tea baskets (when I am feeling adventurous to create my own concocktion)
My tea pot (when I need multiple cups at one)
and ALL my varieties of tea

So this is to say, "A life without hot tea? I will not have it!"

Drink

my journal

My beloved journal now has its own drawer where, along with a few choice books, it resides when not in use. I made a firm resolve yesterday to clean out my office so as to clear a space for my little one to have a play area where I work. The next month will be much different than the last few have been, so I am preparing for what is to be something 'new.'

A few things need be said about my journal and process. Today the piece that holds my thoughts is a Mead, college ruled spiral notebook. I use it daily. At this point, I am almost finished with this one and rather enjoy writing on the right side of the page, as my wrist does not have to hand two inches off the paper. I love to write with fine tipped, black ink pens. I like my handwriting better than way and my hand seems to flow much more smoothly.

Now... something about the content. Yesterday morning I spent almost two hours recaping the last year. My husband, just a few days before, went through by each month and wrote out the things we did, people who passed, and milestones for Camden but I wanted more. I wanted to document my growth and change. I wanted to talk about the harder things that happened that may not ever find their way to a "Best Of" list. I wanted to see my pain again so I could appreciate the growth I have made.

Every loss has a triumph attached to it... if I am patient to see the gift.

Some pretty big things happened this year and I am grateful that I have this wonderful friend that helps remind me where I have been.