Receive

As I have written before, coming back to "the church" has been somewhat of an elusive journey. I knew I felt called to be back in a community of people seeking spirituality, but Jesus (the God incarnation of my youth) was a far fetch. I examined Toltec and Native American spirituality, Buddhism, Islam, Yoga alone as a spiritual practice (and I mean all limbs), and nothing at all. I have called God Lord, Father, Spirit, Great Spirit, Light, Light and Love, and Friend. Being back IN the church for over a year now, I can still feel this inkling of doubt and fear. What if I'm found out? What if they learn that I DON'T believe the same as they do?

Then, comes the magic of Jesus for me. Even saying his name ignites a strange fear, yet power, for me. I hear the teachings of Jesus and sense a calm calling to love others, serve the world, and follow God's gentle voice in my heart. I can handle all that (not that it's easy!). The part that leaves me feeling trapped are all the messages within me that proclaim this all means something else. That this all means I am subscribing to a life that I am not called to.

In meditation a few months back the world "receive" came into my world. It was not a slight shift, it was a resounding clarification of my purpose around God and Jesus and all this confusion. All I am called to do is receive. Receive my life - without judgement (the "good" and the "bad). Receive the promise. Receive the love of God.

Worthiness has always eluded me. It was something I thought I had to work for. I became really go at doing. I thought this was an earned thing that only those that worked really hard, mastered major skills, and excelled beyond their previous steps (or the thoughts of others) to become worthy to exist. I lived this roll out really well. So when this seemingly simple concept of receiving entered my realm, I felt baffled. I couldn't see how something so simple could become my guide post.

Even writing all that brings up thoughts in me. What if they don't understand what I mean? What if they think I have become complacent or lazy? What if what I write isn't really true? All these are valid thoughts. What if, right? What if what I have been led to is simply the message for me today? To receive? There is still a great deal of personal responsibility in this. I must wake up daily, take time with God, pray, meditate, move my body and follow my heart. The receiving part forces me to allow the love of the Universe to be my guide. This includes servitude, forgiveness (which I need to write about the profound awareness I've been having about THIS concept), calm, nonviolence, self-belief, and making the choice everyday to trust.

I do not sense I have any more answers than I did before. The simplicity of receiving is embodied in communion, a practice I refused for almost ten years because of what it might mean. We come to the front, kneel before God, outstretch our hands, and simply receive what is placed in them. The meaning, transformation, and message are only for us. This is the most personal practice of the rituals of our faith. There is so much wrapped into the word "Christian," and I intend to continue exploring this. What it means for me, today, is that that I am being called to receive something so precious, loving, and tailored just for me each day of my life. I make the choice to choose it daily (I even have  little string around my wrist to remind me :)). Receive.