The Truth

Life is hectic. I was sharing the details of the past month with a friend and had to take a breath. Whew! Going through it, I did not realize how much was taking place, yet sharing it (rather vulnerably, actually) with a dear friend, helped me have some perspective. Lately, I have been working to be present going through my life and speaking about it less. This has left me reaching out less, and, yet, being more aware and honest with myself than I have in years.

Grief is something I have come to describe as the space between what I thought was the truth and what really is reality. This space can seem daunting and overwhelming - like someone is stripping off 14 band-aides at once. The feelings seem hopeless and empty, but what I have come to see (and feel) is the immense amount of freedom on the other side of this. Sitting in the truth (as I know it today) is not always an easy feat.

I thought grief was about being sad. I thought it was about letting go of people who have died. It is so much more than that and is taking place, for me, in so many more aspects of my life. It takes a great amount of courage to stay in the space between what I believe to be real and what actually is. It takes a willingness to be authentic, raw, and scared shitless to not try to fix or think or eat my way out of this. It takes me really looking at myself and being open to be wrong about everything - being willing to risk all my believed self-worth, friends, money, love and supposed security to see the truth.

Seeing the truth about myself is where I have to stay. There is so much love for myself there! It's easy to want to focus on someone else - to blame or judge - but that leaves me diverted. I can deviate from the path of self acceptance and awareness, moving into judgements for years and years if I want, AND it does not serve my life. I am left lost in the world and unfulfilled in my life. How, say you, can I possibly live through all this mindfulness? Waking up to doing my best each day, being grateful for what I have, and making LOTS of mistakes (and calling myself out, when needed). Living this way is NOT easy. I am not sure it was ever intended to be easy. The struggle and pain are what make me stronger and allow me to have a deeper connect to my fellow man, woman and child (dog, too, I guess).

Blessings!