today's a sad, sad day

I just found out this morning that dear friend of mine (for many years) passed away. 28 years old! 28! It's hard to think that a life so short could be snatched away so quickly. When I heard the news I was in shock and thought her cousin was joking. Not that death is a joking matter, but I really just could not believe it.

A few months ago I was talking with this friend and had to draw a really clear boundary around the topics of our conversations. The negativity was getting to be too much for me. I felt like all we ever did was stay in the problem and never talk about great things. She decided to hang up on me that day and we had not spoken since. At first I felt like I should feel guilty for never calling her to say something like, "I'm sorry I had to take care of myself and ask you to not use me a dumping ground anymore," but that would not have sat right with my soul either. Maybe I could have tried harder or urge her to get more help, but hadn't I already done that? Maybe I could have saved her from her pain by just continuing to listen for hours on end about the painful pieces of her life, but that only brought me down. What else could I do?

Is that what friendship is about? Listening to all our friends' problems and that's all we discuss? I don't think it is, but that's how it felt each time we spoke. It felt like the only time we talked was when she was in need of help... and the codependent that I am was there to comfort her for years. I wanted to saver her from her pain... from her past... from her present. When I was constantly in the negative, we both fed each other in that way. It was a good deal of drama. We perpetuated the cycle of negativity by never letting our dramas end. I felt like a victim and she gave me pity... which for some time felt like love to me. Over time, I've learned that's not love!

Today, I'm trying to live in peace, not drama. I felt like my friend never felt peace. She had a really difficult life and I always felt like she was not meant for this world. I love her dearly! I always have. She has the most amazing spirit and was such a fighter. If anyone ever messed with me, she would give them a what-for! She always took care of me... something like a big sister. She taught me how to drive, she introduced me to boys, she showed me the world from a new light. Even though the negative would linger, it would seem she would find some way out for years... until recently.

Over the years, we would fall apart for a few weeks, months or years, but always came back together and it was like nothing ever happened. It was almost like we would get exhausted from being so close and so much into each other's lives that we would need a break. Something in both of us always brought us back together. Maybe it was all the history we had. Maybe it was the struggles we shared. Maybe it was a soulmate thing.

It's hard to write all this since I just learned about her death this morning. I feel a little guilt in writing negative things about someone who just died, but I remember last year when my aunt died, it was essential to remember her as a human - with both strengths and weaknesses. I remember my friend for her ability to make me smile, her love, her amazing sense of style (she LOVED pink), for her dedication to her friends, and to her lively spirit.

I spent one of the greatest summers of my life with her. We were together every second of every day the summer before my sophomore year of high school. She could drive and we rode around Nashville in her mother's handcap-accessible van with a sming in the back with my little sister (who was only 5 at the time), smoking cigarettes and checking out boys. OK, now that I am a mother, I can see how irresponsible we were, but I was only 15 and thought I could do no wrong. We went to parites and ran around like little hoolagins all summer with no care in the world. We took trips to the lake together, spent the night at each other's houses almost every night, and probaly worried the snot out of our parents. Nonetheless, we were fearless and loved being together.

As I look back to that summer, I realize how big a part of my life she has been for so long. I met her in 7th grade and pretty much we were friends off an on until now. Almost 16 years! I am amazed at how far our relationship has gone. When she hung up on me a few weeks, I never expected my next call from her phone to be to let me know she was gone. Never! We always came back together because that's how much we love each other! Today, I remember the good, can smile about some of the drama, and grieve a dear friend that I feel confident has finally found that peace she was always searching for.