writing in time

It's strange to think that one of my favorite things to do is write and I have so diligently neglected my personal blog. There's something very powerful about the actual art of writing that has transformed my life, yet I cannot seem to find that same satisfaction in typing words on a computer.

Nonetheless, I wanted to take at least a few minutes to check in with the very few people who even read this.

What have I been struggling with lately? Really, what have I been working through lately?

Over the Christmas holiday we ventured to Oklahoma City to spend a few weeks with John's side of the family. I had high hopes (maybe too high). Not to say the entire trip was a let-down, but there's something about setting something up to be absolutely amazing that can leave some sense of disappointment when it's not in that perfect little box you envisioned. The trip was wonderful... seeing John's parents and sisters and seeing Camden with her two cousins was amazing. What wasn't so pleasant were the internal battles I seemed to be having with no particular circumstance.

I have never written this (I do not think) on my blog, but I have been in Al-Anon for more than five years. This program has changed my life and helped me to deal with the effects of growing up around alcoholism. One of the biggest principles I have learned in this program is to keep the focus on myself. I find that when I am looking at everyone's stuff, there is something inside me that I am seeking to avoid. This was the case in OKC. I was constantly looking at what others were doing and not taking care of myself or looking at the feelings I was having. As a result, I ended up sick, tired, and ready to go home early (which we did).

The difference is that, today, I knew I had to leave and get back home. Only upon returning home did I truly begin to see what I needed to see.

To see people enabling others and not doing all the things I think they should (sometimes, tough love), I begin to get antsy. This is my control. Sometimes I want to allow people to fall flat on their face so that they can hit there bottom faster and begin to recover. I am not in charge of other people's journey; I am only the master of my own reality. It is not my job to point out to people what they are so clearly doing to themselves and those around them. All I can do is turn the mirror on myself and see where I have done the same thing in my own life or be grateful for how far I have come.

Coming home was the best thing for me. This past week has been a struggle, however. Getting back into my routines and not being surrounded (so closely) with other people's lives has really been an adjustment. I learned that turning around and looking at myself can sometimes be painful, but I have to do that to get to the next stage in my life. Sometimes it takes pain to get around the next corner, but my Higher Power is the master of my journey and will never give me more than I can handle!