being a mother

I have been a mother for about five years, and even at that earliest time I felt changed. Maybe it was life growing inside me - something that is amazingly overwhelming to say the least. Maybe it was a sense of responsibility - that the Universe has entrusted this life in my hands for guidance. Maybe it was that being pregnant was a huge wake-up call that I wanted to get "my life in order," so as not to make the "mistakes" my parents did. I really cannot say exactly what it was, I was simply changed.

Now, more than five years into this journey as a mother, I am even more changed. Maybe that's what it is really all about. I went from fear of nursing, to now clearly nursing in public places without even a thought. I sat at Centennial Park a few days ago and began nursing, not thinking about the fact that ten months ago and more I would have been terrified that someone would be offended, see my flesh in some way, or see my stomach rolling over my jeans. I am changed.

With our first, I had a very different parenting philosophy - one that I did not knowingly choose, but one that was passed on to me. As she grew, I was able to see the pieces of my past I wanted to let go of and new ones I wanted to adopt. My Higher Power surely brought me the guides and teachers I needed to help me get to the still-growing-and-learning mama I am today. Nonetheless, adopting some new principles with our second has proven beneficial for our first more than anyone else.

I heard of a philosophy called "Attachment Parenting." After being in Hypnobabies, hiring a doula, and planning to kick-back from the first unwanted C-section and do a successful, drug-free VBAC, I was ready for such revolution in my parenting. I read. I read some more. I finished "Attached At The Heart" and felt more changed than I ever had before. I was baby-wearing and loving the benefits! We were co-sleeping in our Family Bed, that I must mention (for my husband's sake), is till our bed! I was kind of obsessed with cloth diapering (which deems it's own post entirely). I was feeding on-demand - no schedules here! No crying-it-out. Nothing was done perfectly, but I really wanted something different for our lives so I just kept at it. Little by little, I could truly call myself an AP mama! Sure, I can never attend the meetings, but I am learning I do not need that if I keep my community full of like-minded mamas!

Like mentioned before, our infant and myself were not the only ones that benefited from this new idea. Our older daughter's life was drastically improved. I think after having a C-section with her I really struggled to feel close to her - the emotions were too much to bear some times, as I felt like an utter failure for the first few years of her life - regretting how things went, wondering if things could have been different. Shifting my perspective, letting go of the past, and moving into the present with an open heart made all the difference. I adopted these principles with her and, although it was a rocky start, things really changed.

I will not go on any more except to say that by consistently changing my behaviors with our children (very imperfectly; very sloppily), my life is changed. In turn, my thought process about raising children continues to evolve. I am not finished, but I'm coming to see that's how it works. Maybe on situation that would have sent me into a rage months ago no longer troubles me and I am able to handle it with ease. Maybe a new issues arises and I am overwhelmed to even tackle it as I am not taking care of myself. Who knows what's to come - I am enjoying the journey!