Good Grief

Journal from yoga, yesterday

My heart aches today. It feels as if something so powerful and true has a hold of my heart and is slowly, ever so gently extracting all my pain as grief. Oh, blessed! Leave me with something more powerful and true than the lies that have been residing there. Mend my broken heart - a heart touched by the pains of humanity. 

Even sitting here, now, rewriting this all over again, brings tears to my eyes. Grief is one powerful ally, right? How can something so painful be called an ally, you may ask? Well, I have come to see it as one. The personification of such a thing is the only way I can explain it. The pains of my life seemed to wait - wait until time had passed. I truly believe if all the grief came in the instant of the situations, I might have died. My logic, coupled with the pain of this spiritual process may have had me institutionalized.

The last 15 months of my life have had some challenging moments. Home renovations, major transitions, money stolen, lies told, and trust broken encompass our year. Coupled with that, however, were the unintended consequences of real life: grace, gratitude, unconditional love, forgiveness, and peace... Oh, and grief.    

I am not sure why I feel so deeply. I am actually a thinker! That being said, I ache deeply for the pains of the world and the pains of my own life. Today during my Asana, my awareness around feelings was deepened: When you feel something, you're given something. I was reminded that my feelings are messengers, beckoning me to a new part of my journey.

When these feelings are so strong, I begin to doubt all that I know in my heart - I begin to believe I am abandoned in all this and that I am all alone. My defenses go up and I begin to shut out those I hold most dear. My heart closes and I am, invariably, alone through a self-fulfilling prophesy. Doubt exists in my mind - it is my thinking that attempts to make "sense" of things and then I loose my way.

Humanity is going to affect us! We are humans! I no long have the goal to achieve past humanity, but to embrace it for all her gifts and seek a deeper spiritual connection for my strength. I must allow the grief to flow through me, not getting stuck. I must keep connected to my community, family and friends, and be conscious about my choices. I must allow my thinking to exist and not dominate my reality, choosing faith over doubt. I choose to trust the process of transformation that happens as a result of the pains of grief.

I am reminded of the Phoenix - A mythical bird which would set itself on fire and die in the flames. From the ashes, a new and more beautiful Phoenix would arise. 

Blessings!