being away

it seems that going out of town really leaves me in a space of dis-order. not just the catch-up with the laundry, or cleaning the house from being gone, or even cleaning out food from the fridge that has subsequently gone bad. there's something more to it. maybe it's the lack of sleep with the two kiddos not feeling quite at home. maybe it's not having my own bed or the clothes I may feel so inclined to wear. maybe it's being around a new set of people that are not in my core nucleus of family any more. I am not sure. what I do know is, that when I leave town, I come home and feel more grateful for that which I have and want to cling to that. but do I really need to leave to appreciate that which is before me each day?

last wednesday through sunday my sister, two daughters and self headed to north west arkansas to visit Piepee and Daddy Don. this place, where I spent so much of my childhood, has changed so much. some overgrowth, yes, but mostly a change in feel since I was there as a child. maybe it's the looming cancer or simply age that have changed this sacred place, but it really doesn't matter, I have come to believe, as it is what it is now and cannot go back, less in my Soul's experience. it was pretty amazing to see our youngest pulling on the same bedspread I pulled and climbed all over as a child. or to see our oldest playing with the raggedy ann doll that my grandmother brought to and from her library when I was small. it was a blessing to feel that carpet under my feet, to hear the sound of their front door, and to lay on my back and slide down the stairs (although it doesn't take as long now as it did then).

the blessings of this trip far outweighed those moments of discomfort and sadness. being there changed me and this place for me. seeing this world through "adult" eyes, and a sense of maturity really transformed my being. I learned how much I have grown over these years of not being there. the dynamics are different now. I have a voice, that I often lacked as a child and I got to see my own children use theirs in a way I never felt free to do as a little one in this space. I no longer fear that which I am around them. I do not think I need to change my Self to accommodate their Selves. that is transformation!

so grateful!

blessings