why do writers struggle with depression?

Growing up, I was told I was a good writer. Multiple times I was told that I wrote my feelings so well. Funny thing was, those feelings that I wrote so well were only the tip of the iceberg. I struggled my entire life with esteem, worth and love of the Self. No matter how many therapists I went to or pills I took or times I threw up, the pain did not go away. I wrote to get it out, but it still did not make it go away.

I am not in a good place today. Oddly, I have been writing more lately. It seems to me that I cannot predict when the onset of depression will come for me, which makes it all the more frustrating because I cannot control it.

I am a perfectionist. I struggle day in and day out to do things perfectly. In the last few days I have dropped the ball on various things. I have forgotten to call people back, neglected to email a confirmation, and misplaced multiple things. This is not like me. Before motherhood, I was ALWAYS on top of my game in the world! I never looked like a mess and was professional, on time, and never let my constant self-agony show beyond the occasional tear to a person I was close to. I have always felt like I merely cannot keep up. When this comes, I feel like EVERYTHING is falling apart (the dramatic side of me).

When this EVERYTHING begins to fall apart, I start to beat up on myself pretty harshly. My internal dialog turns into an analysis of what I SHOULD have done or why I AM the one to blame. As I was journaling this morning, I realized that this is a bug struggle for me. Someone does not always have to be to blame. I am human and am going to make PLENTY of mistakes. I am not perfect.

So back to the depression. I know this will pass, as it always does. And do not think that I am an overall depressed person. These days, my depression is no where near what it used to be. That PERFECT on the outside I mentioned above crumbled every night I came home. I was deep in bulimia and isolated daily. I could not handle being ON 24-7.

Today, I can be off for a few days and see how human I really am and be humble. I can think God for the awareness and look at myself and see how I can change or why I am feeling the way I am. Many times it just means I need to sit in the uncomfortable depression and self-loathing - really I just have to be in some major pain - and then I see the light. For me (unfortunately), I have to be in a great deal of pain to let go of something. To let go and let my Higher Power take it over for me.

I make my life unmanageable by trying to over-manage and micro-manage every part. I am not a very good life-manager with my own devices. I need a power greater than me to guide me through that.

Back to my original question: why do writers struggle with depression?

I am not sure about everyone else, but for me I believe my inherent ability to write comes from my overwhelming ability to feel. This feeling part is where the depression comes in. I am able to look inwardly and write more about what my heart is agonizing over with eloquent words that I can say it to a single person. I may not be the most profound speaker, but I can find my profundity in my writing...

Truth
Michelle Andrade
2004

I go there – to My reality
another reality unknown
unknown to all less You and Me
another reality no one sees
My poetic voice – My Truth
standing in My Truth
the corridor of My soul
You are amidst the trance
The growth of My soul
My Spirit
I learn – I am privileged
You guide me along
With Your Light and Wisdom
the Wisdom of all before me
the Wisdom of all to come
my introspection
my silence
the voices – Yours and Mine
softly loving and grace
never alone
yet free to change
I go there – away from here
More alive
I go there – to My Truth
To My Self